Awake and Dreaming - The Ramblings of a Social Worker (with a little help from her Sophie Cat)

The update of the month - from the perspective of Sophie Cat

2011-09-03T12:59:00.004-05:00

Hi world. Sophie Cat here. I decided that it was time this blog had a touch of style and truth added to it. The title claims that I get to help, and yet rarely am I asked to contribute, so here we go, the month of August in review, by, me.

First of all, August seemed to involve A LOT of boxes. While the orange cat seemed to enjoy this, I, did not. Small minds may take delight in jumping in and out of things, but more developed minds know that boxes, in both large and small quantities, always mean that something is changing. I did not approve. Next, the boxes began fillings with all our earthly possessions, once again, I did not approve.

Come the middle of the month the boxes began disappearing, slowly at first and then faster. Finally, one day, the girl locked us in the bathroom with a bowl of water, our beds, and our litter box and what sounded like an army of people started trooping in and out of the apartment. Then, the girl and her old roommate came, dragged us out, and threw us in the back seat of the car. Everyone commented on the orange cat's big eyes and look of fear, but I was all tucked away unseen in my carrier.

The girl pulled into a garage and left us in the car for a while before she brought us in somewhere new. The room smelled all new and different, but yet all our things were there. The orange cat jumped under the bed right away and I stayed in my carrier till every one left me alone before coming out and exploring. The space seemed okay, but I was NOT impressed with all the moving about and I just wanted to go home. Alas though, the girl hoped into the bed, pulled me up, and we slept there that night, and every night since then too.

The moving however was not the worst thing that happened this month. The worst thing that happened, was what I found when I started to further explore. In her new house, the girl is harbouring a human and a feline or unknown origins. That's right, there's another cat, thankfully she comes with her own girl and is not trying to steal mine, but still. I have put her in her place numerous times, and now she runs after I give her a look in the proper way. The orange cat seems slightly interested in her, however the new cat's been hissing at him. The girl informs me that I need to be nice to him, but well, we'll see.

So that's this month. Furniture still keeps moving around, the girl flits in and out and the new cat seems here to stay. Hopefully this month will have FAR less trauma associated with it!

Things I learned this month

2011-09-03T12:28:00.003-05:00

So here we are at the beginning of another month. At the end of group on Thursday I got them to write about ten things they learned this month and as is my new habit I did the same. Unfortunately, I lost my list, so I have to try and make it up again so I can share it. So, here it goes, hopefully.

1. If you can't find the crawl space in your new house, look under the sink.

2. Always know the name of your lawyer

3. When you're doing headstands, the pinky fingers don't interlace

4. When you're going from a headstand, through scorpion, to a half wheel, go SLOWLY (actually that applies to most of my yoga and perhaps to most of my life)

5. Some things you've come to accept as normal, are actually harassment

6. Living on the ground floor of a house (well, it's a single story house) means you can no longer just randomly change, you have to think about whether your blinds are open.

7. Living with a roommate means you can't just randomly change, you need to make sure your door is closed.

8. I talk to my cats A LOT and have entire conversations with them. While I knew this was true, I didn't realize how extreme it was till I had the roommate comment on said conversations.

9. You CAN fit a one bedroom apartment inside a 1 ton u-haul (my father didn't believe it could be done).

10. I have awesome friends (but I already knew this)

So there you have it, ten things of August!

Projection aka The Sophie Cat WILL be lonely for me while I'm away

2011-08-17T22:01:00.003-05:00

According to wikipedia (such a reliable source I know) Freud says that "projection is a psychological defense mechanism whereby one 'projects' one's own undesirable thoughts, motivations, desires and feelings onto someone else". In my work, I see projection a lot, however I haven't really been thinking about it a lot in terms of myself, and certainly not in terms of my relationship with Sophie Cat! Today I went to see my counsellor, who I see about once every five weeks or so, just to check in, and she pointed out to me that I seemed to be placing a lot of care and concern on what Sophie Cat might be feeling about life events worry about how they might affect her, without really being able to clearly articulate that I might be having similar feelings.

Monday, I got the keys to my new house. My new roommate and her cat move in on Thursday, and the cats and I move in next Wednesday. Then the last two weeks of September, I am going on a vacation with my dad and leaving my cats with my roommate to look after. Naturally, I expect that Sophie Cat is going to hate this. That she's going to have anxiety, that's she's going to be stressed, that she's going to pine for me. I worry that she'll get sick, or stop eating, or go back to her old evil, angry and hissing self. I worry that she'll hate the new cat and that things won't work out. I worry that she'll miss me terribly. And while these concerns are semi realistic (cats don't like change, especially Sophie Cat, there may also be some projection going on here).

Perhaps, I'm a bit nervous about not liking my roommate, just as I'm worried that Sophie will hate the new cat. Perhaps I'm a lot worried about getting homesick for my house and my cats, just like I'm worried Sophie won't like the new set up. Perhaps I'm worried that with my limited diet I won't be able to find food I can eat. And I'm sure there's some part of me that worries about what it will be like spending two weeks with my father. (I probably won't start hissing any more than I already do though...)

So these week, I plan to spend more time paying attention to projection. Not just what I'm projecting onto the cat, but what I'm projecting on to other people. I think it's an important thing to look at, particularly with clients, but in my personal life as well. It will be interesting to look at, and see if I notice anything. Also, I think I'll pay a little extra attention to my Sophie Cat. For both ours sakes!

on disclosure and/or did I tell you that?

2011-08-11T22:01:00.002-05:00

That's a picture of her highness madam Sophie Cat licking out the inside of an empty cat food bag. I always give them the bag to play with, but I've never seen her disappear completely into it until tonight. The picture reminds me of being a counsellor in some ways, because for the most part, we stick a lot of our personal lives away in back corner and we don't talk about them with clients; they only see a little piece of us, like the tail sticking out of the bag. It's not a perfect metaphor, but the picture works for today's topic.

As a counsellor, I try to be quite "real" with clients. I share perhaps slightly more about my personal life than some, but I think for the most part, I really am quite guarded. All of my clients know I like cats, of course, they can't help but know as soon as they set foot in my office. Many of them also know that I have a second job and where it is, and I'm okay with that. For the most part though, that's it. I see know point in giving out information about my personal life unless it's relevant to the client and in their best interests. The point of counselling is certainly not for me to tell MY story. When I do groups I think I tend to share more of myself, simply because I am constantly having to come up with examples. Even then, they mostly revolve around fairly generic things, such as the fact that I have friends, and a family, nothing very specific.

Because of the above, it surprised me, when a client recently commented not just on me moving into my house, but on me getting a roommate. You see, I very much do NOT remember telling her this, and I'm really not sure why I would have. I might have shared with the group she was in that I was moving (and honestly it was probably in the context of cats, and how they don't like change, and how people don't either), but I have no idea why I would talk about the roommate thing. I didn't tell my family till yesterday. I mentioned the situation to a couple people on my team and the best we can figure is that the client must have over heard me talking to my coworkers at some point, listened, and remembered. Either that or I'm really not paying attention to what I'm saying.

I think, regardless of how the client found out about the details of my life, it's a reminder to watch what I say at work. I need to be more mindful about disclosure and make sure I am keeping the focus on the client, including the small talk we make. It also means that I probably need to watch my volume and watch where I am talking to coworkers, especially remembering that the room we eat lunch in has vents which carry sound quite far. There are definitely some things I share with coworkers, particularly over lunch, that I wouldn't want my clients to know about.

As professionals, there is so much power in what we say, and I think it's good to remind myself o this more often than I do. Words have power, and clients pay attention to what we say. Time to start paying closer attention to my words.

Birthday Number 25

2011-08-10T22:18:00.003-05:00

I wanted to do a birthday post, of some sort, a sort of recap of my twenty fifth year on the earth, but I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to post, so you get a mix of things.

For starters, you get to read about what I did today, because today was awesome. I decided to make the best of the whole not being allowed to/give the opportunity to not work today (I pouted and cried yesterday, today was for celebration). I was up early anyway, seeing as best friend texted me at 707 to wish me a happy birthday, and the cats were up and meowing. Dad and I met with the lawyer's office to sign all the papers for my house, then hit the Starbucks. I took him to my church's garden (which I'll DEFINITELY have to write about sometime) and we drove past my house. Then I did a flow class at yoga. Came home, ate lunch, watched tv yada yada, then off to my doctor for a quick check up and med refill and it was time for the second Starbucks visit of the day! (It's my birthday, why not). After that it was time for my flow II class at yoga then birthday dinner with my dad and sister at my favourite vegan burger place! They even have dairy free soft serve with gluten free cones, so I can EAT it! And that was my birthday :) A very good day if I do say so myself!

Now, for my reminiscing part. Things that have happened since I turned 24 last year.... hmmm

-Well, there's the obvious ones. My grandmother died, and then my mom died, right close together, so this has been a sad year in many ways.

-I decided to house hunt and bought a house!

-I became senior staff on my team and we had almost a complete staff turn over

-I became president of our union

-I deepened some friendships, let go of some others

-I learned a TON about yoga and how my body works

-I went back to counselling (and still go, on and off)

-I started seeing my naturopath

-I started getting massages

-I cut way back on my inhalers (I also stopped taking them completely for a bit, before the asthma nutrition plan, and couldn't breath deeply enough to do a sun salutation)

-I started playing Ultimate Frisbee (which is aweomse!)

-I went to Ottawa, Washington State, Washington D.C. and Richmond Hill Ontario (and got to do Moksha yoga in Ottawa and Richmond Hill)

-I broke my caffeine addiction but discovered that I still really like coffee

-I taught Sunday School, which I always said I'd never do again, and wound up liking it

-I said no to more things then I've ever said no to before (and the world didn't end)

-I decided to go to Malawi

-I began to enjoy wine only do have it disappear due to the asthma plan

-I learned more about motivational interviewing and am getting better at putting it into practice

-I came more to terms with my ethical and moral beliefs about suicidal clients

And well, I'm sure a lot more! I bet that didn't even touch most of what I did this year or what I learned, but I'm falling asleep as I type, so the list is as good as it gets!

angry

2011-08-09T21:30:00.002-05:00

Do you ever feel trapped? Like everything you do is just the WRONG thing to do. Feel like you can't win, no matter what? That the harder you try, the worse things get? That's how I feel today, and I've been busy trying to talk myself out of it. I wish I could elaborate, because it's a complex story and kind of mind boggling really, but it's the kind of thing I really can't put on the internet without risking serious repercussions. Perhaps it is sufficient to say that I'm spending my 25th birthday (tomorrow) away from the office through no choice of my own and I'm rather displeased about it. It was initially a punishment of sorts, disguised as an offer of good will, then became a true offer of good will, however, it's an unnecessary offer, which places me behind on some work that I need to get done. I will say that at NO point was my work with clients affected, and the last time I checked, being stressed about one's upcoming house purchase on one's lunch break wasn't a crime. But, it is what it is. And I can't even sleep in :( have to meet the lawyer at 9 anyway.

awkward questions/compliments

2011-08-06T21:37:00.003-05:00

Something I talk about in the classes I teach on Assertiveness, Self Esteem and Criticism, is that a lot of people have a hard time accepting compliments. So often in life, we are unable to take compliments at face value, and we have a hard time accepting them as positive. Sometimes it is because we are wondering about a hidden motive, what does this person want? Why are they being nice to me? Other times, it is because we don't believe it ourselves, when we feel badly about ourselves, it's hard to imagine that others don't feel similarly. I'm sure the following conversation is fairly normal in your life as well.

"Nice outfit today!"

"Oh, this old thing, I found it in the back of my closet"

"You did a good job on that project!"

"(list of all the things that went wrong on the project)"

Because I am constantly teaching this, I've tried really hard to work on it myself, and I really think I've improved at taking compliments, except about one issue. See, here's the thing, in January, I did a detox at yoga, and after that, my naturopath put me on an asthma nutrition plan which cut out eggs, wheat, dairy, chocolate, wine and beer. So, since January, I've lost more than 40lbs. I am still not even half way to being a "healthy" weight for my height, but it's a big change, and it's quite noticeable now. I have a really hard time with this. Part of the problem is that I was happy with my body the way it was before, and I'm happy with my body the way it is now. I'm enjoying the weight loss because it's been good for my yoga practice, and I'm almost out of plus sizes so the thrift store will have more clothes that fit me... oh, and towels wrap around me better! I am not, however, obsessed with the weight loss. I stick with the eating plan because it has helped my asthma A LOT. I've cut back a huge amount on the inhaled steroids, from two puffs, twice a day to one, once a day, and the only time I have asthma symptoms is when I eat things that aren't on the plan, (like the s'mores last weekend!)

How does this relate to compliments? Well, I've started getting a lot of "compliments" on my weight loss. And I'm really having a hard time with it. I've been trying to get to the root of why, but I'm having a difficult time analyzing it. Part of it, I think, is that it seems too personal, but my body is something the world sees everyday, of course my coworkers and friends will notice the change in size. If I get a new hair cut, or new makeup, they notice, why wouldn't they notice this. Then there is a part of me that feels that I don't deserve the compliment, that I haven't done this to lose weight, that I'm not cutting calories that much (I eat a lot of tortilla chips and jelly bellies). The simple fact is, that with cutting out eggs, wheat and dairy, and continuing with my yoga classes, I must be eating less than I put out. I've had to eliminate frozen pizza and ice cream and lean cusine frozen dinners from my daily eating, and it makes a big difference. I also had to stop eating most desserts and snack food. So, I feel like I'm not putting nearly as much effort into this, in a direct way, as all the times I did try and lose weight and failed.

So really, I think the issues comes down to the weight. I don't like that the focus is on weight. I don't like that it's something we compliment people on, and yet in some ways, I think we should? I have a lot of thoughts about it, and I'm having a hard time getting them out. On the no side, as in no, we shouldn't compliment people about their weight loss, my thoughts are as follows.

- Self Esteem and Self Worth should not come from physical image or outside things. Giving compliments about this does not promote internal factors.

- My sister has an eating disorder, as do many, many others, and this is a huge trigger thing.

Then there's my thoughts on the we should compliment people side of things.

- Science has shown us over and over that obesity is rampant, and a huge cause of health programs, should we not applaud people's efforts to be healthy?

- (This goes with the one above, I suppose) if someone were to quit smoking, we would applaud it, if they were to quit drinking, we'd compliment them, why wouldn't we do the same to weight loss?

I think what it comes down to, is who the compliments come from, and how their phrased, at least in my book. For example, when my supervisor compliments me, she says things like "you've really changed a lot of your habits" and she encourages me in my healthy eating. When her supervisor compliments me, she says things like "you're a lot smaller, have you lost weight?" I find the questions harder than the compliments, I suppose. People telling me I look good, I don't seem to mind nearly as much as people telling me I look good I because I've lost weight, or that the weight loss looks good. I have a really hard time with those, and I question, did I look that bad before? I was okay how I looked then to! (I also really hate it when anyone calls me a skinny minny, or really, when anyone uses the word "skinny".

I suppose, this has no conclusion. I haven't answered any of my questions. I still don't know whether it's good or bad to compliment someone on their weight loss (thankfully I'm so oblivious I never notice when someone loses or gains weight, so that part of things is not an issue for me), and I still don't know why it bothers me so much when people compliment me on my weight loss. Thoughts for another day, I suppose.

Things I've Learned

2011-08-05T22:01:00.002-05:00

Today I got the clients to do an exercise for the last day of group in which they had to think of ten things they'd learned. Either things about employment, or coping skills, or job searching, or themselves, and so I figured that while they were working on it, I'd try and come up with ten things I'd learned in the past four weeks as well. I came up with 14 and thought I'd share them.

1. I am an adult... for real (I think I learn this one at least once a month though)

2. B12 shots rock my world

3. I don't want fixing, I want support (again, I learn this one a lot)

4. Half moon pose needs to be done from my finger tips

5. How to do a proper headstand the "yoga way"

6. How to stake peas and beans

7. It might not happen even when it feels right

8. Don't drink drinks made by a certain friend

9. How to be a better "mark" in ultimate frisbee

10. Gluten free buns are kind of gross (but they're buns I can eat so I eat them anyway)

11. Your SIN card no longer counts as ID for criminal record checks

12. Republic of Doyle is a great Canadian show

13. Cats at the office are good, transporting said cats to/from the office is not

14. Sophie Cat is a good judge of character (or at least dislikes the same people I do).

Grumpy Sophie Cat

2011-08-05T22:00:00.002-05:00

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Melancholy

2011-08-03T20:57:00.003-05:00

Melancholy: a deep, pensive, and long lasting sadness.

I think that melancholy might be a good word to describe how I'm feeling right now. It's hard to explain really. When my naturopath asked me today, the best I could come up with was "contemplative" and that didn't quite do it, so I thought about it some more, and melancholy really seems to fit, especially the part about being pensive. I'm not sure quite what I'm thinking about, and some of it's definitely good, but I'm definitely thinking, and pondering, and just generally, pensive.

The number one thing on my mind these days is "growing up". Now, I don't mean that in the way of now I'm not a kid anymore, I've just noticed lately, that I'm more grown up and more comfortable in my roles than I used to be. I've been working with a few people at the shelter lately who've been younger than me (which is a nice change, to be honest) and it's started to really strike me just how much I've grown and changed since I started working there more than three years ago, and for the most part, in a good way. When I started working there, everything was new and exciting, and I had story after story after story to tell. I was enthusiastic, wanting to learn, and always looking for something to do. I see that a lot in our new staff, especially some of the younger ones. Now, it's not that I'm not enthusiastic, and I don't do extra stuff, and I still LOVE learning and hearing people's stories, that stuff is still all true, I guess it's just that I've settled into my role. It doesn't need to be exciting anymore though, I'm okay with quiet shifts; if there's nothing to do, I'm okay with sitting back and observing. Situations that I might have found exciting, or scary, or challenging in the past are no longer quite so extreme. I don't think I've hardened or become bitter, I just think I've adapted, gained experience and gained confidence. I've also gotten a lot more experienced in how things work in terms of policies, staff dynamics, and client dynamics, which helps A LOT when working in social services. New staff ask me questions, and now lots of times the answer is "I've stopped asking" (I haven't decided if that's good or not, one gave me a great ethical dilemma that I'm still mulling over).

And then there's my full time job. I've been working as a social worker/counsellor for more than two years now and I am now the most senior person on my team. Some days I feel like I'm really comfortable in my role, that I'm a good counsellor, other days, I feel like I'm just playing at my job and not really doing anything. I realize that's normal and I may never get over it, I've just been thinking about it a lot more lately. Counselling is such a hard thing to evaluate though, in other professions I might be able to have objective measures of how things are going, but I find it very hard to figure out this. I mean, most clients thank me and make another appointment and are hopefully moving towards there goals, but there are also a huge chunk of clients who drop off the face of the earth, or who don't move towards the program goal (employment) and I have to close their file whether they like it or not. (Someday I will work in a program that does not have a specific end result and where success is not measured by only one outcome, and my job security does not depend on the percentage of clients who meet that goal).

Finally there's me as a person. I've had a few different people lately compliment me on how friendly and how nice I am. I have a hard time with this. Not because I don't believe that I'm friendly and nice, because I am, but because I feel like I haven't been putting any effort into being friendly and nice and there is so much more I could be doing. I almost feel like I've been avoiding being friendly and nice, and yet, here I am, getting these compliments. This both confuses me and gives me hope. I'm glad that I am coming across that way, because it's the person I want to be, but I wish I could see it in myself. I guess I'll just have to watch harder!

quick update

2011-07-29T22:42:00.005-05:00

I got Sophie Cat shaved for the summer. She was NOT impressed. Not impressed at all. I think she secretly likes it though, SO much less fur for her to have to worry about. This lack of fur makes her a lot cooler and I worry less about her spending her summer in my top floor apartment.

Speaking of apartments. I bought a house. 17 more days until I get possession! I'm super excited, and super nervous. And there is of course the part where I HATE moving. It is just not my idea of a good time in any way, shape, or form. I fully intend on staying in my new little house until I have a really good reason to leave (and for the record, getting too much stuff, not a good reason to leave, that's just a good reason to get ride of stuff).

I'm still working both my jobs, but I have to say, working in an employment agency just has so much less excitement to it compared with working in the shelter overnight. I mean, it's a good job and all, just not as exciting. I really do like getting to use more of my social work skills and less of my babysitting skills though.

Also, I'm going to Africa in May. With my church, on a mission trip, not just randomly going or anything, but I'm quite nervous about it. I've never been off the continent and never even considered going to Africa until this year. We'll see how it goes. I know God will be with me, but it scares me like crazy.

and... that's all?! I apparently have nothing all that interesting to say tonight.

goodnight all :)

Defining Normal

2011-07-03T22:24:00.003-05:00

I was thinking today about what makes something "normal". What makes a behaviour normal, what pushes it over the line into abnormal? What makes a state of mind normal, and when does it become a problem? Who gets to decide what normal is?

A little background, this issue came to mind as I was thinking about my reactions to some current stresses in my life with moving, home ownership, friends, and work. I'm perhaps particularly sensitive towards my reactions in light of the negative reaction of the insurance company towards my anxiety. Either way, as I stood in my shower crying, I asked myself, "is this normal?" I decided that it was, and that I am indeed having a healthy reaction towards stressful events in my life, but it got me thinking about how often I "make" that decision for other people as well.

Working as a counsellor, I have a many, many clients who worry that they are not "normal", or in fact, label themselves as "crazy" and/or "nut jobs". As a general rule I am quick to reassure people that are "normal" and are not in fact "crazy", and I'm not sure I've ever really thought about what a enormous power that is. I tend not even to think about it, my instant reaction when someone tells me they're "crazy" is to defend them to themselves. I'm not proud of this reaction. I think perhaps a more helpful response and one I already do to some extent use, but should probably use more, is to explore what is going on for the person at that moment. What has led them to wonder if they are crazy, how might they describe similar behaviours/thoughts in someone else etc... Because really, do I know what normal is? I have a fairly good understanding that somethings are "not normal". For example, spending hours starring at a flag pole waiting to see if you can catch a glimpse of the wind is not generally considered mentally healthy, especially when the police have to remove you from said flagpole for your own safety. Spending more of your day in tears than out of tears is also not generally considered normal or healthy. The same goes for hearing voices, running through the streets naked, binge eating and then purging or a whole host of other behaviours.

The behaviours I just talked about definitely fall more on the "not normal" side of things. But what about things like being anxious about a job interview? Perfectly normal, right? But what about when that anxiety makes it impossible for you to attend the interview and leaves you shaking in your bed? Not so normal anymore, right? Crying every day for two weeks might be considered a sign of depression, or a perfectly normal response to the death of a close friend or relative.

I wonder if perhaps a better way to address the question of whether a person is "normal" or not, is to explore the issue further with them, and then to provide information. I think I do this, and maybe could do more of this. So for the person who asks me if crying every day for two weeks is normal, we would explore what had started this, what had happened before hand, what was triggering it etc... I can provide information about the symptoms of depression, or reactions to grief etc... This then could be normalizing, without coming out and using my power as the counsellor to declare someone normal or not normal. Because regardless of my intention and effort to label as a behaviour, there would always be the risk that this was taken as a judge of the whole person.

I still have SO much more to say about this, but for tonight, this is all my eyes can stay open for. Stay tuned for next time when I look at whether "we" even want to be normal!

stigma of mental illness

2011-07-01T18:39:00.004-05:00

I really want to start blogging again. I keep trying, but it never seems to last for long. I'm going to give it a go again though.

I've been thinking about the stigma of mental illness the past couple of days. It's something we talk to our clients about when do data collection and statistics (do you feel stigmatized in the community) but I've never really though of it in my own context. Up until yesterday, I had never felt stigmatized, or at least never identified any feelings as being feelings of stigma. However, the reason I have never felt stigmatized is because I don't exactly talk about my mental illness on a regular basis. My anxiety has always been a fairly private thing for me. Although people I am close to know that it is something I deal with and that I take medications for it and have gone to counselling, it's not something I talk about as being currently present in my life on a regular basis. Although, for the most part, it's under control, so maybe that is a part of it. In any case, it's not something I talk about with my coworkers or acquaintances, thus, no stigma.

That brings me to now. And why I've suddenly become more awakened to the realities of stigma and mental illness. I recently bought a house (it's all mine in only 45 days!!!) When I signed my mortgage at the bank, I applied for mortgage insurance - life, health crisis, and disability. Two different companies underwrite the policies and I had to have a very in-depth phone interview with each of them. They asked me about each and every little thing that could possibly be wrong with me, plus about my family history of things. Now, because I have asthma and have a family history of cancer and heart disease I figured I would not qualify, oh, and I'm overweight. However, it never even occurred to me that I would get a letter stating you do not qualify for our insurance because of your history of anxiety.

I was angry. Very angry. I have NEVER let my anxiety get in the way of me doing what I need to do. Never missed a day of work, never missed a day of school, I've never been hospitalized, or been to the hospital because of my anxiety. But there it was, in black letters telling me that I didn't qualify for something because I was mentally ill. I'd never put that in the context of my self before. Never let the anxiety stop me from something. I'm having to integrate this into my understanding of self, that because of the anxiety, there are some things that I simply cannot have. And I don't like it.

Having this experience though, I hope, will help me grow. I happened to see my counsellor yesterday and she reminded me that TONS of people go on disability for stress related illness and so it kind of made sense that a history of anxiety would disqualify me from disability insurance (I still haven't got the results back on the life insurance). I am reminded, that for my clients, who have mental illness which affects their ability to work, there may often be much more of a stigma. It reminds me to, that I really do need to pay more attention to opportunities to fight stigma and be involved in more public education both on a small and a large level. I also need to decide if I want to appeal this decision, or make a bigger issue out of it, or just be passive, accept the decision and move on from here.

Sophie Cat - cool as a cucumber

2011-07-01T18:37:00.001-05:00

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one of those days...

2011-04-26T11:26:00.001-05:00

Today I am bored.
Today I am just not interested in doing my job.

Yesterday our office was closed for Easter Monday. We didn't want to have to cancel or group, especially since it was cancelled on Good Friday as well, so 3 of us came in for the day. I got SO much paperwork done. It was wonderful. However, I kind of feel like I've hit a wall now. I somehow had no clients this morning, and being at my desk is just killing me. None of my clients have even phoned. Thank goodness i'm doing group this afternoon or I'd go completely crazy.

So, other social workers, how do you deal with the paperwork mountain, or days when things are quieter?

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days of non appearances

2011-04-18T22:26:00.002-05:00

Today I had one of those days where no one wants to see or talk to their counsellor. My intake didn't show up, my appointment after that cancelled. World's quickest phone calls with a couple other clients. I used the time to attempt to clean my desk and run over to the pest control place with our latest trapped beg bug, but still, it would be nice to see clients once in a while...

a less whiny post about bachelorette parties

2011-04-17T21:16:00.004-05:00

So, I've had a lot more time to calm down and think seriously about this whole Bachelorette party thing from both a personal and more general perspective and I thought I'd share some of my thoughts.

For starters, my friend's bachelorette party is not going to be totally crazy or horribly sexual or anything like that. Some wine, appetizers, and conversation, perhaps with a few games at one of the bridesmaid's places, and then off to the bar for some dancing. Now personally, I hate the bar, I've locked up a few too many drunk people in my day (working in the drunk tank) to enjoy being around a whole bunch of drunk people, however, it's her day, so I suppose I will go.

In theory, I like the idea of a bachelorette party. It's a nice way for the girls to get together and celebrate the bride and mark the change that is about to occur in her life. You get to play fun games, maybe be a little bit "kinky" and let loose a bit. I'm all about that. I see absolutely nothing wrong with drinking a bit, eating a bit, and laughing a lot. I think it's great. For me, where it becomes a problem is when it becomes more than that, when it turns into something degrading, cruel and dangerous.

First of all, there's the degradation of both males and females. The male part is easy, we put up plastic penises (and by we, I simply mean females), we scour the bars looking for them in order to exploit them for drinks and/or money and we mock them. One might say that a bachelorette party is a way of expressing ones feminism and celebrate being female, however, I tend to disagree. I read about one game in which the bride to be has lifesavers pinned all over her shirt and men pay her in order to suck on her shirt, degrading to both parties if you ask me. The same goes for getting points for getting a man to buy you a drink, let you sit on his lap, or let you kiss him. Degrading for both parties. The entire idea of a bachelorette "gone wild" shows women to be drunk sex objects, rather than human beings.

Then there's the sex thing. These type of parties turn sex into a commodity, human sexuality into something to be bought and sold, won and lost, a subject to be joked about, trivialized and made into a show. And here's the thing, if you ask me, sex isn't those things. Sex is something precious and personal that happens between two (or I suppose more) people. Our culture says that sex is nothing, that it's just something that happens, that it's casual, that it's "no big deal", but I really don't agree with that. I think sex is something much deeper, much more meaningful, and leaves a deeper impression on people than our society would like us to believe.

Old fashioned as this idea may be, I believe that anything that happens at a bachelorette should be something that the groom to be would not be hurt, disappointed, or disgusted to find out about. That's not to say that there shouldn't be girly sharing, laughing, and giggling, and that some things should never leave the room, just as a general principle, if you wouldn't do it around your husband, you probably shouldn't be doing it at your party.

So, for any of you reading this who may at some point plan be a bachelorette party, take note. I don't want to go to a bar, I don't want there to be giant plastic penises everywhere, and I don't want to go trolling for men. What I want, is to spend some quality time with my girlfriends, have a lot of laughs, eat some food (cheesecake anyone?) and drink some wine.

(maybe some day I'll get around to talking about bachelor parties, although really, I have pretty much the same views on them too).

Things I am

2011-04-16T22:41:00.004-05:00

In a follow up to my last post about things I am not, I thought I should probably make a more positive post, and so, for therapeutic value, and your reading pleasure, a list of things I AM.

- Awake and dreaming

- a little bit Bossy

- a total and Complete Cat person (oh, and I'm a Counsellor)

- awake and Dreaming

- Excellent yet not egotistical

- Friendly

- loves to play board Games

- a bit of a Homebody

- Intelligent

- Joyful

- Kind, caring and compassionate

- Loving, learning, listening and leading

- becoming Mindful

- getting better with Nutrition

- Opinionated

- takes Pride in the things she's done

- not Quite a Quiet person

- Reader

- Shy Social worker

- Tenacious

- Usually on time

- Very Vocal

- able to Withstand a great deal

- XXIV

- i <3 Yoga

- a to Z of me. I feel as though I could go on forever.

Things I am not

2011-04-10T18:01:00.004-05:00

Things I am not:

- A good housekeeper

- Entirely organized

- Good at sports

- All the creative

- A GOOD PARTY PLANNER!!!

I am just not. I love my friend who is getting married, I love her dearly, and I am SO blessed to be in her wedding party. It is an honour to stand with her as she professes her love for her husband to be. However, I am NOT a party planner. The wedding shower was easy, because her aunts took care of it, although to be honest, I feel like I could have pulled that one off. The bachelorette party however, wow. It turns out none of the bridesmaids are good party planners. And my poor friend is upset, because she is worried that we're going to plan her some lame party. And in a way, so am I, but I also know that it's not the planning that's going to make the party, it's the people, and the time that's had. And I know if she goes into it thinking it's going to be lame, it probably is going to be lame. If she'll give it a chance though, I'm sure it'll turn out just fine.

Then there's the other part, the sex part. It's not that I'm uncomfortable with the idea of sex, because I'm not, and I think that there will obviously have to be some dirty, kinky, content, reading the party ideas online makes me sick. They seem to be all about women throwing themselves all over men, and I guarantee I am not sitting on any strange dude's lap to win a prize or trying to get random guys to buy me drinks, it's just not happening. Oh, and the alcohol part. The idea of any game which involves people doing lots of shots scares me as well, for a few reasons, not the least of which being the money. But then there's the whole I hate being around drunk people thing, and the, I think it's stupid thing, and the whole, oh yeah, I THINK IT'S STUPID. I have spent too many years working in the drunk tank to have any desire to get drunk, particularly in a large group of people, and I have even less desire to be around a group of drunk people. I got paid to do that last night for 8 hours, I don't necessarily need to do that for free.

On the other hand, I very much realize that this is NOT about me. This is so not about me at all, it's about my friend, and what she wants, and what will make her happy, and more than anything else in this situation, I want to make her happy.

edited to add: I can't believe how demeaning to men this entire thing seems to be. It's just horrible and awful and sickening.

The frustrations of a time limited program

2011-04-03T22:19:00.000-05:00

I work in a program which is supposed to be a one year employment program for adults with mental health concerns. It's a great program and I have a great job. The one thing that frustrates me is that because of the way we're funded, it's only supposed to be a year.

In one sense, the limited nature of the funding means that we are constantly pushing ourselves to work hard as our contract gets renewed at the end of each year based on the fact that a certain percentage of our clients find employment. Unfortunately, our funding is not based on a percentage of our clients maintaining employment or finding the job that works for them.

Our program starts with four weeks of preemployment workshops/groups/classes, whatever you want to call them. They're half day and are supposed to help people get back in the routine of working. They're quite structured and we take attendance and have small homework expectations, mostly reflections. We cover things like stress management, assertiveness, problem solving, cover letters, interviews etc... It's great. The problem is though, that sometimes after the workshops there's a big let down and/or clients discover they aren't quite ready to commit to looking for work. They need more TIME.

Then there's the mental illness factor. I don't know about most people, but at least with my anxiety, while there are some patterns to it, there are also times I really don't see it coming. The same is true for my clients, and often what is needed is more TIME to stabilize. Unfortunately, the lack of stability often sees us discharging clients when perhaps the routine and support of our program is what they need the most.

And finally, for today at least. There's the employment support factor. We provide people with an employment support counsellor to help them keep their jobs. But lots of times issues don't surface in the first three or six months of a job, they come a bit later. Or people lose one job, get another, and don't have much time to work with employment support to plan how to not lose their current job.

This isn't the world's most coherent post, but I really wanted to get back to posting about social work, and this is a start!

Day 3 of Homeopathy - Why it sucks when you're the "expert"

2011-03-31T21:55:00.004-05:00

So, two different subjects, one post, because it all ties together. Subject one, suicide, subject two, Ignatia Amara. Let's begin with subject two.

So the homeopathic remedy my naturopath has me on is called Ignatia, and it's for grief and balancing emotions and stuff. It can make things worse before it makes things better. It's definitely made things worse, or at least psychosomatically so, I'm not sure. Nausea. Ick. Bleck. Nausea. And lack of appetite, but the nausea feels better when I eat. random. Lack of interest. Yup, I've got that. It goes along with the "lump" in my throat. Exhaustion, oh yeah. I've slept eight and a half hours two nights in a row and still been tired, despite my b12 shot on Monday. Hopefully things get better soon!

Subject 1, suicide. Without going into too much detail, there's this girl I know, younger than me, but still over 18, and she's quite depressed. I've been a non-professional support for her for four or five years now, and I know her quite well (far better then she knows me). Here's the thing though, right now she's quite suicidal from what I can ascertain and really not doing well. We both think she needs to go to hospital, but she is scared of going and keeps putting up barriers. I offered to take her tonight, but no go, barriers put up. So we're at a stand still.

Now here's the thing, if she was a client, instead of a friend, I could leave this at work. I could leave this in the client's hands, provide them with resources, write a safety plan, and I could go home. But as a friend, she has my cell phone number, and that's how we've been talking, text messages. It's harder for me to set aside, because I care about her a lot (not that I don't care about my clients and worry about them as well, but it's a different kind of relationship). But I'm stuck. She's not actively suicidal, or if she is, she's not telling me, so I really can't call the police. I've had to call the police for people before, and it's not fun, even when they're standing in front of you telling you that they're going to walk out the door and hang themselves, and they've got the rope already. The police would not be interested in this. I also don't have enough "evidence" to go to the magistrate and try and get a "form" so that she's forced to be assessed in hospital. I have given her all the crisis resources, I have been through safety planning with her, I've done all the "right" things, and now it's time to let go.

Here's how this all ties together though. Among other people who are friends with this person, I am "the expert". I'm not an expert in this at all, but I'm the one they all turn to when things aren't going well for this friend. There is no one else for me to call, they could call me, but that's where it stops. This friend has a counsellor, but I'm not in contact with them, because I'm not a professional in this case as I've told her many times. I'm not at my best right now, I'm really not. But there's no one to pass this responsibility off on. I just don't seem to have it in me to tell my suicidal friend with very little support, yeah, I'm feeling "off" today, can you feel like dieing another day? I have of course set some limits and boundaries, and I definitely took some me time for self care today where I completely ignored the phone, but it's still hard. I guess it's never going to be "easy" though, when a friend is feeling suicidal, no matter how good a place I'm in. I guess I'll see what tomorrow brings!

My Naturopath

2011-03-31T08:38:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I blogged and I wanted to share something that I've done that seems to be making a really big difference in my life and encompasses a lot of things that I try and incorporate in my social work practice.

I started seeing a Naturopath after my massage therapist referred me to one. He thought they might be able to help with my body's seeming inability to maintain healthy iron levels. Well so far it hasn't helped with that, but it's helped with a lot of other stuff!

My naturopath is great. Costly, but great. She works as part of a group of naturopaths practicing family medicine in my city. Our first meeting was almost entirely talking, for an hour and a half. She really took the time to listen to me and get a very thorough medical history from me, plus a brief physical exam. She ran some blood tests as well, gave me a b12 shot, and started me on some higher quality vitamins then what I was already on.

Since I started seeing her, I've lost 22 pounds my body was carrying around, and really, I just feel quite a bit better (except of course for this depression type thing). She discovered I had a bit of a sluggish thyroid, not low enough for my doctor to have noticed I guess, but she put me on some herbs for it, and it really helped perk me up a bit. We're also doing an asthma diet, so I'm not eating eggs, wheat or dairy (not as bad as it sounds).

The really good thing about her though is that she listens, and she remembers. So if I tell her about something, three weeks later she'll be able to ask me about it and check in with me about how it's going. Although I'm still not 100% certain she "gets" me, I did somehow find it in me to open up a bit about how numb I've been feeling. She had lots of ideas of things to put me on (she's always full of ideas), but we're starting with a homeopathic remedy for grief and emotional balancing. And more accupuncture.

Another thing I like about my naturopath is that she is continually doing research and finding out about new things to try. She often has textbooks out when I come in, and she'll say things like "I've been reading about this... that we can try". For me that shows that while she sees me for 45 minutes every few weeks, she is still thinking about and working on my issues while I'm not there.

Final cool thing for this post, and I think the thing that connects it with my practice as a social worker. I went to my Naturopath for a very physical thing, my anemia. That was really my only goal. I'm still stuck on 3 iron pills a day to maintain my iron levels, BUT I have more energy, I've lost weight, my body/stomach are happier with me, and I'm starting work on this emotion business of mine. It reminds me of how my clients come to our program for help finding and keeping a job, but often we work on SO much more then that. People are integrated, they're not just one issue, work is just a piece of the puzzle. A big important piece perhaps, but just a piece none the less.

I wish I still had bad coping skills?

2011-03-30T22:05:00.003-05:00

So here's the thing. I'm house hunting, and the market where I live is completely a sellers market. I was out bid on a house 2 weeks ago, that went for 20000 over the asking price, and then yesterday I lost a house I REALLY wanted because it went for 30000 over the asking price.

To say I was upset, would be an understatement. I don't know if it was the new homeopathy, the massage I got that day, being depressed, or something, but man I lost it. I cried for like 2 hours straight, just couldn't stop. I sat on the floor of my shower with hot, hot water pounding down on me and just sobbed. This was arguably a good experience for me, as it helped me release some of the pent up emotion inside me, that was sort of the goal of this whole journaling and opening up thing after all!

The amusing (now) part of this all was the conversation I was having with myself while sitting on the floor of the shower. Basically, one part of my mind was thinking of every unhealthy coping skill it could and the other half of my brain was shooting it down. One part of my brain was being incredibly black and white, and the other half was adding shades of grey. And let me tell you, I feel like in the moment it would have been SO much easier to be in the black and white negative side. Why? Perhaps a few examples.

1. A: You should cut yourself, cutting yourself would help you feel better. B: Yeah, but then I'd have scars and I'd be mad at myself, and even though it would feel good in the moment, it would hurt later. A: Well, you need to shave your legs anyway, and if the razor just, slipped... B: So, not shaving my legs tonight then, razor gets nowhere near me. A: then how are we going to make the feelings stop? B: I don't know...

2. A: Well, why don't we have a drink. I know you have some Kahlua kicking around. B: Yeah, that sounds good, wait, no, not only do I not want to do something stupid while intoxicated, knowing my luck, I'll find up sick and/or hungover.

3. A: Well, you're never going to get a house at this rate. You can't afford one, you might as well give up, it's impossible. B: I've only seen SIX houses and offered on two. I know the market sucks, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. A: Yeah, but you're never going to find another house that's just right for you. B: That's what I thought after the first house two, and then I saw the second house...

And so things went on from there, and the font on this blog entry decided it didn't want to be straight forward either. In anycase, I just so badly wanted to be able to yell and scream and do something destructive or give up, or quite, or something, anything, to make it all go away. But, the rational, self aware part of my brain that teaches CBT skills just wouldn't let me. Which is good to know, but is SO FRUSTRATING in the moment.

I don't know if this entry makes any sense. I'm getting sleepy, but I really wanted to try and get some of this out there.

To sum up, although my life is SO much better with all the coping skills I've learned, it also makes things more complicated, and at times I really do miss some of those negative options.

Look at me, writing an entry

2011-03-28T18:44:00.002-05:00

My naturopath seems to think I should start writing again. She's probably right. Now granted, she meant journaling, but I think this is actually more therapeutic for me, and it's certainly "easier". Slightly less deep then what journaling could turn into.

Experiencing multiple loses in a short period of time, as well as having an emotionally intense job, a busy schedule, and friends who are having difficulties of there own, has in my case, led to a bit of emotional numbness. I get to try some homeopathy, which could make me worse before it helps, and I'm supposed to journal every day. We'll see.

In truth, except for my flat affect, life is pretty good. I've been looking at houses, which shoudl be more exciting than it is. I put an offer on one, didn't get it, and am putting an offer on another one tomorrow. I really like the one I'm offering on tomorrow and am praying very hard that I get it. Then of course comes packing, and moving...

Still president of our union local at work. Went to a good workshop on bargaining as we're renegotiating our collective agreement in April. I'm not quite sure when I'm going to find the time for bargaining, but here's hoping it doesn't take long. It's hard, because much as I stand in solidarity with my coworkers, I want to make sure I don't leave my clients at the wayside as they're the reason all of us got into this in the first place.

Perhaps that's enough writing for today. I'll be back tomorrow! Hopefully with more social work excitement as opposed to my dysthimic ramblings.

Detox Day 12

2011-01-21T11:20:00.003-06:00

Today is Day 12 of my detox. That means only three days left after today! Starting Tuesday morning I get to slowly start adding foods back in and readjusting my body to a wide range of foods. 4 more yoga classes and I'm taking a day off from going to the studio. I will likely do something at home, but definitely not heading to the hot room. It's wonderful and lovely, but it'll be nice to have a break.

Yesterday was a not great day. I've been really tired throughout this and yesterday just seemed like a very grumpy day. I was not in the mood to head to the yoga studio, but off I went. I was somewhat dreading my flow class, but felt like once I was in the room I would feel better, and I did, and then our teacher started talking about Agni Namaskar - a salute to the Hindu fire God, 108 prostrations (push-ups) in one yoga class. And so that's what we did. I've done it before, and I'll probably do it again at some point, but wow, that's a lot of push-ups, and it didn't exactly help my bad mood.

I looked back though, and I realized that this is the point in the 30 day challenge I did during which I started to have a really hard time and get really emotional. If experience is my guide, then I know that once I get through the next couple of days, things will be better. We'll see how it goes though, right now I'm feeling pretty much totally exhausted.

Detox Day Nine

2011-01-18T10:58:00.003-06:00

I am more than halfway done my detox, thank goodness. The first week was rough, and at times I REALLY felt like quiting. It's never good when I start falling asleep during counselling sessions. I feel horrible because I actually cut one short simply because I could not keep my eyes open and I thought it would be better if we had a short session rather than me fall asleep. I don't know if it was from caffeine withdrawal, lack of gluten, or just overall exhaustion from all the yoga, but it was pretty rough. This week I started with a B12 shot at the naturopath though, so hopefully that makes a difference as well.

Looking at this week, things seem to be going pretty well. I did a good grocery shop (complete with a grocery list!) on Saturday, so that I had the food I would need for the week. On Sunday afternoon I sat down and cut up a whole bunch of vegetables so it would be easy to put them into things - I also boiled some beets so they would be ready to eat. After yoga Sunday night I cooked a big pot of lemon/chili soup with lentils, brown rice and a whole bunch of vegetables. Despite the fact that lentils are NOT my favourite food, it's actually pretty good.

In terms of yoga, I did a restorative practice on Sunday, and yesterday's flow class felt AMAZING. I really feel as though I do have more energy and that my body has gotten stronger, which I find pretty wonderful. When I did my 30 day challenge I was having to modify a lot because my ankle was still quite injured and my elbow was bothering me. This time my body seems fairly free of aches and pains. In fact, I find myself pushing myself fairly hard in yoga and not having the sore muscles the next day I might have in the past. Now this could be because I'm in better shape, or, as I suspect, it might have something to do with the difference in my eating. It will be interesting to see as I add foods back in what kind of a difference things make.

Speaking on adding foods back in, Tuesday I get to add my first food back in and I have yet to decide what it will be. Most people expect me to pick coffee as number one, but I'm not sure. While I really like coffee and I miss it, it might be good to be coffee free for a while. It's certainly cheaper and it makes life easier not having to think about fitting coffee into my life. Gluten will be nice to add back in as well, but finding gluten that doesn't contain eggs, milk etc... will make it harder. I'll add dairy back in as well, but I know you have to do that slowly or it can really upset your stomach. SO, I'm thinking the first thing I add back will be tomatoes!!! I really, really, miss tomatoes. I can't wait to have tomato sauce, tomatoes, salsa etc...

The trauma of buying a bridesmaid dress

2011-01-14T11:11:00.003-06:00

So, I am in the wedding of one of my very good friends and favourite yoga buddy. This of course means wearing a dress. Now to give my friend credit, she picked very wonderful dresses, in fact, I really like my dress! It's even my favourite colour. That does not however lessen the trauma of buying said dress.

See, the thing is, this whole experience could have been very NON traumatic. The attitude of the sales staff resulted in that not being the case. I'm a larger person, I know I'm larger, and for the most part, I'm okay with that! I'm fully aware that I'm not a size 6 or something like that. So when I tried on the sample dress, in a plus size, I was most definitely not offended when she suggested that I go up a size. I figure, hey, I want the dress to fit, does it matter what the number says? I certainly don't want to look like a sausage at the wedding. Anyway, when I had on the sample dress she got all whispery and made it seem like it would be horribly awful if I got the bigger size even though it would fit better. She kept stressing how it was my decision, but did I want to ask my mom, or my sisters, or get more opinions or whatever. She did this to all of us. Not impressed.

So, even though I went in there with healthy self esteem and body image, I left feeling kind of dirty and gross about myself. For the bridesmaids who went in with a not so good body image, well, it left one of them almost in tears. And so, once again, I reiterate, people, it's JUST a number. Focus on being healthy and happy not on what size your dress is!

Yoga Detox Challenge

2011-01-12T13:39:00.002-06:00

Monday, I began a new challenge. I thought it would be a fairly simple challenge. 15 days of being a vegan, 15 days of hot yoga; at the same time of course. However, it turns out to be a full naturopathic liver detox. That looks basically like this...

I CAN eat Beans of all types. I CAN'T eat meat, eggs, fish, soy

I CAN eat Brown Rice, Brown Rice Pasta, Quinoa etc... I CAN'T eat Wheat, Rye, Barley, Oats, Spelt, Kamut, White or Whole Wheat Flour

I CAN eat Most Vegetables. I CAN'T eat tomatoes, eggplant, white potatoes, corn, mushrooms

I CAN eat Most Fruits. I CAN'T eat oranges, bananas, melons, dried fruit, fruit juices

I CAN eat Most Nuts and Nut butters. I CAN'T eat peanuts, corn oil, canola oil, vegetable oil, butter, margarine

I CAN eat Rice milk, Almond Milk, Herbal Tea, Green and White and Red tea, seat salt, herbs and spices. I CAN'T eat Alcohol, Coffee, Sugar, Vinegar, Dairy, MSG, Preservatives, Sulphates

In other words, it's crazy intense. So far the hardest thing has been that I can't have gluten. Well, and the intense caffeine withdrawal. More then one person in chemical withdrawal has told me that coming off coffee is harder than coming off cocaine. It definitely was not easy, especially because unlike someone in a detox unit, I went to work and couldn't sleep through the pain. My head hurt, I was sweating, confused, and just plain unable to concentrate. Yoga felt kind of like death. I spent the last 30 minutes just lying on the ground feeling like I was going to pass out.

Another thing about this detox is that I have to actually cook. They don't make processed foods without all that stuff in them. This created a lot of anxiety for me, not so much around the actual cooking, but around finding the time to actually cook. That and some of the money I had to spend on buying better food. I'm sure it'll all pay off, it's just slightly frustrating in the here and now.

Oh, and there's the emotions. It seems to kind of be creating an emotional out pouring which I'm not so used to. I'm sure it's good, but it's hard.

So detox, so far, so good?

The homelessness problem...

2010-12-27T11:44:00.003-06:00

I took this picture a couple years ago of an empty "camp out" under a bridge where someone had been sleeping. I worked at the shelter last night, in the actual shelter not the drunk tank or detox and had some interesting conversations with a coworker about how, in a nation as rich as Canada, people could live like this. We of course didn't come to any conclusions, but I realized how much my perspective has shifted in the past few years.

Something I have been reminded about time and time again over the past year is choices. We all make choices, each and every day, and the choices we make have a HUGE outcome on our lives. It is fine and well for us to say that homelessness is horrible, and it is, but yesterday I spoke with someone who despite having been given a house, chose to stay at the shelter because that is where he felt connection and a sense of "home". Choices.

Last night I had multiple people beg me for food. See here's the thing though, we give out food right when the shelter opens, if you come later then that, no food, because once it's gone, it's gone. So, if you have spent the day/evening drinking rather than taking advantage of the abundance of free food in the city, I don't necessarily feel sorry for you. Choices.

Now, the above being said, I also recognize that once you're on the street, the choices aren't that easy. Addictions aren't exactly easy to break. To use an example from my life, the fact that I'm overweight didn't stop me from eating cookies yesterday, even though I know I probably didn't need to. And that's cookies. I can't even imagine trying to come off years of hard drinking. Then of course, there's the added challenge of Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders. In some cases, people's brains simply don't allow them to learn from their mistakes, so they make the same "poor" choices again and again. Mental Illness figures in, blackouts from substance use, peer pressure and involvement, low self esteem, self efficacy and little motivation for change.

So, while I will continue to advocate for funding and services for the homeless and near homeless, there is no way I can believe that is 100% someone else's fault. There are resources out there for those who seek them, there is food out there for the hungry homeless, and there are places of safety for those who need a break from life. I do truly believe there is more we can do, that the are clinical best practices we are most certainly not following, however I think I believe that there will always be homelessness, no matter what social net we put in place.

not a very happy holiday post.

Christmas Thoughts

2010-12-25T22:35:00.002-06:00

I am not sure if I have thoughts this Christmas or not. In fact, in some ways, I'm really just kind of numb. I'm plugging along though, one day at a time, I just wonder if I'm being true to myself and letting myself grieve, or if I'm living in a state of constant denial. In some ways, I feel kind of blocked, like there are parts of myself that need to open, and face the feelings, face the emotions, face the realities.

Last night I went to Christmas Eve service at my dad and sister's church. I haven't been in that church since the funeral, and the time before that was also not the most pleasant experience. I was confronted with so many people who knew my mother, so many more then were at the funeral, and I left as soon as I possible good. I played the piano for the 11 PM service at my church, it felt good to be there, even if I did continually psych myself out on nearly every introduction. I wish it had been the whole worship team rather then just me up there.

This morning it was off to my dad and sister's house for awkward good times of my sister acting like a child, me defending my dad from her and dad and I planning our September vacation to the place where my parent's honeymooned. Then Christmas dinner at a family friend's, where I met a nice single man who seemed to meet most of my "criteria". My poor father was incredibly hung up on the fact that he was of a different skin colour and couldn't stop asking about his culture even though he was born and raised in Canada. My sister kept bringing up my cats, revealing just how crazy a cat person I was, which is NOT something I generally do when I'm trying to "flirt", or even just appear normal.

Then it was home to listen to my dad and sister wrap their presents, because apparently they don't plan ahead. Then opening presents, including some presents from mom which she bought before she died. That was hard. I left soon after, before 5:30 and then realized I had an entire evening to myself and NOTHING was open and NO-ONE was around to hang out with. I tried to drive and look at some Christmas lights, but I couldn't remember where we used to drive and didn't see many good ones before giving up and going home.

I went for a walk later, too cold to be out for too long though. Sophie Cat and I had snuggles, as did Ollie and I, and now, now it's bedtime I guess.

The first Christmas is over.

Stressed?

2010-12-20T22:28:00.002-06:00

I have this neck issue going on, which may very well be a physical manifestation of my inner pain. In any case, my massage therapist asked me if I was "stressed" today. And for some reason, that question made me SO angry. AM I STRESSED? You think? It's only like 7 weeks since my mother died, and it's almost Christmas. And he knows that stuff, he was at my mom's funeral for goodness sakes. I'm not sure why I'm so angry about it, but I am SO angry.

the end.

To my mother - may she rest in peace

2010-11-07T22:44:00.002-06:00

My mother died on Tuesday November 2, 2010 at the age of 54. She had a somewhat mysterious cancer they believe started in her small intestine or appendix. No treatment they tried made any difference and it spread throughout her entire abdomen, unstoppable.

Mom made the decision to die just over two weeks before her death. She stopped eating and drinking, and for awhile, until her month got just too dry, even stopped the ice chips. She refused IV feeding receiving only the fluids deemed necessary to keep her PICC line open. Eventually as a family we made a decision to stop those too. For the last 4 days of mom's life she was not with us, even a little bit. She could not speak and did not show any recognition of anything but pain.

Tuesday, I came to the hospital on the 15th day of the 10 days they gave her to live. Within 30 minutes of my arrival she stopped breathing and finished her transition from the living to the dead, a 70 pound shell of the woman she once was. Dad and I were with her and my sister came later that hour (let me tell you it's awkward sitting in a room with a dead body...) We had dinner, then I went to yoga with a friend, and the grocery store. As soon as I got home from the grocery store I started sneezing, the cold which had been holding off til I was free from the hospital hit with a vengeance. I slept for at least 11 hours. Solid sleep with no ear open for the phone to ring.

Wednesday was a day of funeral home arrangements, church arrangements, nose blowing, and decongestant popping. Fortunately, my slightly obsessive mother had planned her entire funeral (and prepaid), written her obituary and done countless other things which made this process easier. My sister looked horrible, but dad and I got things done which basically consisted of signing some forms, agreeing to pay the INSANELY high cost of getting her obituary printed, and picking the flowers. Then a friend and I ran random errands and I moaned about my sinus. Then slept for 12 hours (Oh how I love sleep).

Thursday was a day of "rest" meaning I got up at noon and went to starbucks and then didn't do anything til yoga at 4. Then I hung out at home til I hung out with my best friend in the evening. It was wonderful.

Friday was, well, a day. A long, long, long day. Friday mom's ashes were interred in the morning. I, as the oldest daughter, got the honour(?) of placing her ashes in the hole in the memorial wall thing. Though we have a VERY small family, both my mom's brother and my dad's brother came, as well as my mom's cousin and my great aunt and uncle (I have no aunts and no cousins). The afternoon was the memorial service which was...packed. I am fairly sure I'll get six colds and two flus all at the same time from the number of hands I shook. Thankfully my friends eventually rescued me from the line I was suck in and we hid out in the church sanctuary. I was getting emotional simply because of all the raw emotion in the room. It's hard to explain. It was very difficult for me to meet all these people who were connected to my mom in some way and who knew, in many cases, a very different side of her.

Friday night, to distract myself from everything and get back into my routine, I went to volunteering and fed dinner to 200. (Or well, greeted 200 people at the door). I hadn't been in a month, and it often feels like coming home. I love it. Oh, and Saturday was inconsequential.

Which brings me to today. This is the first Sunday in probably a year where I haven't had to go to my parents house or a hospital. I love it. I absolutely love it. However, I didn't love the totally aimless feeling it left me with. Thankfully some libraries here are open Sundays and I went for a nice walk to get books. I also have wonderful friends and was able to get out for dinner with them.

I'm not quite sure what it is about being alone which scares me so much, and I really don't even think I'm scared of being alone, I'm quite happy/content right now, it's more the idea of not having anything to do/no where to be. I have another week off work (I was off the last two weeks as well), and there's a big push and pull going on in my brain about filling it or not filling it with social activities. Part of me craves time alone and part of me is so scared of having nothing to do and not getting out of the house. I now have something every day but Saturday, and it's only Sunday night... And of course I'll probably do yoga every day too. And maybe, just maybe, I'll take some time to write some of this out.

Well, it's the end of day 21 now...

2010-08-15T22:41:00.004-05:00

I'm not sure what to write. Things just keep going. I've done 21 out of 30 days now, which is wonderful. My elbow hurts, my thumb hurts and my ankle hurts, but I'm seeing the phsyiotherapist on Wednesday so we'll see what she says. We brainstormed about my elbow already and somehow I managed to fix one side but not the other... random.

I've had at least one more day of tearful yoga, but yesterday and today were both nice and calm. I'm skipping all sun salutations and vinyasa flows to give my elbow a break, and I think that might actually be why. Less heart opening for starters. Yoga has felt very good the past two days. I've been doing the Moksha series, as opposed to Hot Flow which is different every time, and it's nice to fall into familiar patterns and know what's coming next. If I could drag myself out of bed at 6AM I'd love to go to the Silent class on Tuesday and be able to really sink into things. It's just not happening though.

So yoga = good. My body = sore. Life = well, life?

Sophie Cat

2010-08-11T23:23:00.002-05:00

This is how Sophie Cat greets me every day when I come home from work. If I come home at the wrong time however, no greeting for me.

Day 12, 13, 14

2010-08-08T21:48:00.002-05:00

Remember how on Day 11 I wound up in tears by the end of yoga class? Day 12 I had to stop myself from giggling, which was super nice, and a totally different reaction to a totally different kind of yoga. I went with a friend and we went out for dinner and talked afterwards. Wonderfulness :)

Day 13, yoga in the park. 600+ people all doing yoga, as a fundraiser, outside in the sunshine. I loved the feeling of yoga in the grass, lying in savasana with my whole body truly sinking into the ground. More wonderfulness.

Day 14. That's today. Today I did two classes, a more intense one and a very restorative one. I'm fairly sure I'll be sore tomorrow, but you never know. It felt good to spend that time in the hot room. To just breathe. (And work my butt off) But especially to just breathe. Even more wonderfulness.

Day 11 - Cultivating Peace

2010-08-05T22:44:00.002-05:00

By the end of yoga today I was crying. Not because of physical pain, although both my ankle and my elbow were hurting, and not because I was particularly exhausted, but just because I was crying. I'm not sure what triggered exactly, perhaps simply that my body doesn't always move the way I'd like it to, but I really think it was more than that. There's a lot of stress in my life right now, and stress tends to come out in our bodies. I don't know if yoga released some of that, or brought it to the surface or what, but there was something going on there. Tomorrow I'm doing some nice, basic, hatha yoga. Stretching in the hot room, but not Sun Salutations, no Flows and no rushing.

I sent this as an email update to friends, so perhaps I'll add it here as well.

I know I haven't been the most talkative this week, but I wanted to update you all on what's going on (for some of you you're jumping in in the middle here because I've been bad with updates, but here's what's going on).

My grandma (my father's mother) has pneumonia. As I last heard she is still conscious and eating (as long as it's pureed, she is no longer able to chew or to swallow hard foods) and is taking antibiotics. She is on oxygen and she is not expected to be able to beat the pneumonia and has been moved to palliative care.

My father is going out to see my grandma (across the country) and say goodbye. I am driving him to the airport tomorrow morning. Although he initially wanted me to come, we decided it would be better if I stayed here to look after my mother and came out for her funeral, either this trip, or a trip in the future. He is planning on returning on Wednesday.

We found out on Tuesday that my mother's chemotherapy did not work and her tumor has grown. The tumor coats many of the major organs in her abdomen including her intestines, lungs, and liver. They have decided to try my mother on a different kind of chemotherapy, however there are potentially lethal side effects associated with it and she has to be very careful. At this point the chemotherapy is simple to extend her life, there is no hope of a cure.

In addition to the cancer my mother has developed a blood clot in her leg which runs from her groin down into her calf. She was on injectable blood thinners at the hospital all last week but seems to have been stabilized on warfarin for now. I am taking her to the hospital tomorrow where they will check her levels and do care of the pic line she has in her arm for chemo.

In summary, at this point, I'm staying in the city and my father's going away. But, I'm also back to that uncertain place of not knowing when I might be flying across the country.

Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers. In particular my father who is leaving his very sick wife to say goodbye to his dying mother. Please also pray for my mother as she will spending a lot of time on her own in the upcoming days. And of course please pray for my sister has she is placed into the role of primary house keeper. And me, as I try and make sure that everything comes together, is taken care of, and everyones needs are met.

Day 10

2010-08-04T22:29:00.003-05:00

My.body.hurts. I'm not sure what it is about today, but my body hurts. A lot. Maybe it's the fact that I did a 90 minute class today as opposed to my usual 60, but I'm definitely rather sore. Then again, my body hurt somewhat before yoga as well...so I suppose it's probably cumulative.

I don't have any amazing reflections about patience or learning today. Mostly, I'm just at a point where I need to push through. Maybe I'll be deeper tomorrow. So instead, here's pictures of my cats.

Day 9

2010-08-03T22:25:00.003-05:00

Today was the hardest day of the challenge yet for me. It was seriously hard to motivate myself to get to yoga. I felt horrible today, emotionally as well as somewhat physically, and I left work early cause I didn't feel like bursting into tears at my desk. I came home, climbed into bed, and fell asleep. Then of course I had to get up for yoga. Which really was a good thing, because it meant I couldn't completely screw up my sleep schedule.

At yoga, there was a new teacher, which is fine, if we hadn't also had 3 new staff start at work (two today, one last Wednesday). I can only deal with so much change and I feel like my life is in a state of constant flux. I had a bit of a hard time letting go of the teaching/teacher and sinking into my yoga. She did things a bit differently, and it just, wasn't working for me... or something. I dunno.

So, things I learned today: Sometimes it's okay to just give up, go home and take a nap. It really was what I needed. I really did need to not be at work for a while (despite just coming off a long weekend). Not knowing if I'm flying half way across the country to go see my grandma, is kind of getting to me. And mom's chemo isn't working...which I'd already guessed, but still.

Day 7 and 8

2010-08-02T14:16:00.003-05:00

I've now passed the one week mark on my 30 day journey and have spent more than 7 hours in hot room this week. Naturally, it's summer and rather hot outside, making me question why on earth I didn't choose to do this in the winter.

The first week has been great. It's been hard to fit the yoga in everyday and I often find my thoughts wandering to what I have on my mental to do list, what I'm going to have for dinner, or where I'm supposed to be next. Instead of getting angry with myself, I'm trying to let those things go and concentrate on breathing in the moment. Just paying attention to that moment, to that place and to the calmness of the yoga room; whatever's outside the room has to wait. In that hour I practice freeing myself from the stresses of life, the realities of my family dynamics and the frustrations of my job and concentrate only on my breathing and my body. The mental benefits are great.

In terms of physical benefits, I'm not so sure. It has only been a week. I'm doing this at the same time as physio and between the two I have days on which I'm pretty sore. That being said, I've been able to jump back into my practice at a place similar to where I left it before July 1st without too many negative consequences. While I'm still modifying/skipping some poses, for the most part, I'm right where I want to be. I've even noticed a bit of an increased range of motion in my ankle, despite the fact that I still can't kneel or sit cross legged.

All in all so far this has been a great experience. We'll see how the next 3 weeks go though, I've got lots going on so it'll be interesting to try and fit everything in.

Day 5 and 6

2010-07-31T14:00:00.003-05:00

Day five and six get only one post because I was waaaaaaaaaaaay too tired last night to write anything coherent.

Yesterday was crazy. I had to get up an hour early to drive to the cat to the vet for his teeth cleaning. Then work, then physio (which was seriously a killer) and then back to the vet and then home with the cat, then yoga. I did have a smoothie in between physio and the vet thank goodness. My physiotherapist has me doing all these squats and lunches and this morning my butt is SO sore!

After yoga I stopped off at the grocery store and picked up a chicken and a salad as well as a couple other things and came home for what I thought was going to be a relaxing evening. It wasn't. Instead, before I'd even gotten into the shower my dad phoned to let me know that my grandmother has been made palliative and is going to die very soon...four provinces away. This of course throws my family into crisis since with mom so sick...

Today was a hard day for yoga. It was hard to get up, hard to get motivated and hard to stay motivated. It's almost as hot outside as it is in the hot room. However, I did it, and now I'm off to work at the shelter this evening. Perhaps more reflections will come later.

Day 4

2010-07-29T22:59:00.002-05:00

It's day four, and I'm sore. Not horribly sore, but it's also not morning yet and I've done 3 hot flow classes in a row. Perhaps I'll take in a hatha class tomorrow, we shall see.

My first victory of the day was seeing how despite my ankle, my arm strength has really improved and I was able to hold crow pose (in the picture) for at least 5 seconds before I fell over. This is huge for me, because if you'd asked me two months ago if a 200+ lb girl would ever be able to hold an arm balance I probably would have said no. Yoga has been going well, despite the challenges I'm having fitting it into my day.

My other victory of the day was being able to tell my counsellor that since going back to yoga my mental health has been WAY better. I mean, I totally still have my moments (today I cried because I realized my mom would never knit my baby mittens) but things are going way better. She suggested that we not meet for a while, since I only get 12 sessions a year with her, and that I work on maintaining things on my own, using yoga for my healthy coping. So we'll see how it goes.

Day 3

2010-07-28T21:44:00.003-05:00

Warrior pose. Today I am a warrior. Yesterday we found out that mom has a blood clot in her leg. It runs from her groin all the way to her calf and has slowly been growing. This is obviously not a good thing, and rather concerning. Mom's now receiving injectable blood thinners at the hospital everyday and taking Warfarin in the evenings. Chemo is bumped another week back. I have many thoughts about the chemo, but not today.

Today was a good yoga day. Much as there was some anxiety about fitting everything in and having to miss Wednesday church so that I could both do yoga AND work late (I've been missing a lot of time for physio) yoga went super well. I really surprised myself with my endurance and with the strength in my ankle. I mean, it's certainly not perfect, and the range of motion isn't there, but in terms of strength, not so bad.

What I learned today is patience. Patience with my body. Patience to say it's okay to do modifications on all my sun salutations because I just don't have the range of motion in my ankle to do an upward dog with both feet on the ground. Patience to know that I can't do a "proper" child's pose because I can't put that kind of weight on it. So, today I am a not just a warrior, I am a patient warrior.

Challenge Day Two

2010-07-27T20:15:00.004-05:00

I chose tree pose to start this off with because of the rooting tree pose provides. It's a balancing pose, so it's certainly not a strength of mine right now, but I'm working on it. It seems like a good place to begin. Begin with roots not with branches or offshoots or large new growth, but begin by reaching down, down into the earth, and perhaps more importantly reaching down into the depths of yourself to call on strength you didn't know you had.

It's not even 9PM yet and I'm exhausted from my day. I didn't sleep well last night, there was storm in the air and it was hot and humid out. I worked, then went to physio and then went to yoga. Physio can be a workout in and of itself, so it was really hard doing the two in a row. By the end of yoga I was just lying on my mat; listening and absorbing the heat, but too exhausted to do anymore asanas (postures).

What have I learned today? Well, that's a hard question. I learned that it's expecting too much of myself to be able to sit cross legged or kneel yet, my range of motion is just not what it should be. I also remembered that I need to be patient with myself, that things will come when they come. Okay, so I didn't make it actively through the whole yoga class today. I stayed in active rest, and chose that as my way of practice. I once again became aware of just how much my body can take and where that line is between pushing myself and passing out.

Namaste

Challenge Day One

2010-07-27T07:44:00.003-05:00

So, I'm actually writing this on the morning of Day 2. Last night was HOT and busy and I got dizzy when I took my medications and then there was a bit of a crisis with my mother, which I'll write about somewhere else.

Anyway, reflections on Day 1 of the challenge. Wow. A step out of my comfort zone! The opening ceremonies were at this gorgeous outdoor area just inside the city. They didn't tell any of us what we were doing, just to come. What we were doing, was a Challenging our Obstacles Course (wheel of fortune anyone? it's a before and after!)

My first thought was "I can't do this". I made the assumption that I would not be able to participate because of my ankle. And while physically I maybe should have gone with that, emotionally I'm really glad I didn't. We had to make teams, which again, was a HUGE step out of my comfort zone. I strongly dislike talking to people I don't know (don't even get me started on the massage train at the beginning) but it turned out to be just fine. The other women in my group were great. They were super compassionate about my ankle and we had lots of great laughs together as we navigated trails, hills, tree houses and yoga poses. It turned out, that the only thing I really couldn't do was the three legged race. That would just be asking for trouble.

So, day one of the challenge. Not what I expected, but already I've been pushed way out of my comfort zone. Let's see what day two brings!

Yoga 30 Day Challenge

2010-07-25T20:25:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow I am starting a 30 day yoga challenge and I thought it would be really nice to blog about it... if I have the energy! The theme of the challenge is overcoming your obstacles and Ganesh here, the elephant God, is the Lord of Success and the Destroyer of Evil and Obstacles... or so the email I got tells me.

When I first decided to do the 30 Day Challenge this summer the biggest obstacle was the heat. How was I going to do 30 days of hot yoga in the heat?! Then Canada Day happened and my biggest obstacle became the fact that I couldn't walk and really wasn't sure when I'd be able to. I registered anyway. One of the first things I asked my physiotherapist about last week was whether she thought I'd be able to do my challenge, and she said YES (as long as I'm careful and stay within my limits and yada yada yada). My new obstacle is time. When I initially signed up for the challenge my schedule was about as empty as it ever gets and I thought it would be the perfect time. Now I've got physio twice a week, laser once a week, counselling etc... And let me tell you, physio is a workout and a half (i secretly call my physiotherapist the torture woman).

So, this challenge will indeed be about removing my obstacles, about finding time for myself in the midst of craziness and about shifting my priorities so I can accomplish my goal. Good luck to me! I'll keep you posted.

for your viewing pleasure...my little purrito

2010-07-24T14:39:00.002-05:00

The counsellor goes for counselling (aka I'm a bad client...)

2010-07-24T14:32:00.002-05:00

I am fairly sure that on some level I drive my counsellor crazy. I honestly don't remember exactly what prompted me to email the Employee Assistance Program about counselling or how long ago it was. I suppose I could look in my calendar, but my calender is in the living room and I'm in the bedroom with my foot iced and elevated. They had me set up for an appointment in less than a week. The for profit world boggles my mind. I know they said it was fast service, but I was thinking at least a month. In any case, I digress.

I am not sure how I feel about this whole "going to counselling thing". I mean, I've done it before and had a really good experience, but I'm having a lot of ambiguity about it now. The goal was to deal with my mom's impending death and I was very clear that I did not want to change ANYTHING about myself... now I'm not so sure. My therapist seems to have a hard time with my ambiguity. Whenever I mention I'm not sure I should be in counselling she seems to get rather defensive. Sometimes she just calls me on my bullshit though, which is a much better approach. I think it is hard for me to accept that I'm back in this place. That there's still stuff I need to work on. That there's unfinished business in my life (of course I say all this at the wise old age of 23...)

This post isn't really making sense, and for that I apologize. I guess I'm just really not sure how I feel about counselling, and I'm having a hard time talking that out with my counsellor. On the other hand, she pointed out I haven't been writing and perhaps that is another reason I haven't been processing. So I'm trying to write.

more pics of my slowly healing ankle

2010-07-19T22:47:00.005-05:00

So I've been getting low level laser treatment for my ankle from the massage therapist across the street and I thought I'd show you all his awesome tape jobs!!! He uses this stuff called Kinesio tape and it's wonderfully supportive and really helps draw out the swelling!

Sprained Ankle...my tale of woe...with pictures!

2010-07-19T22:36:00.004-05:00

So I sprained my ankle, thus having much time on my hands and figured, what better to do than come hang out on my blog. I've never done this before and would love ANY and ALL advice or stories about sprained ankles/crutches/breaks/sprains/etc... Basically it's an, I'll tell you mine if you'll tell me yours!

So here's my story. It's Canada Day and I'm doing what I generally do on Canada Day, hanging out with friends. In fact, I helped two of my friends build a fence, we used hammers, and nails and power tools and built and AWESOME new piece of fence.

Then of course it was off to the Canada Day Festivities. The assistant general manager of one of my cities big attractions goes to my church so a lot of us had VIP passes to the event. This gave us access to a "private" area in which there were tables, alcohol and a good view of the stage. So I sat back, relaxed and enjoyed part of my blue Bacardi Breezer while listening to music and attempting to chat with friends over all the noise. As dusk fell, people came around selling glowsticks, which of course, I had to have, so off I went, wallet in hand, with my heart set on wearing a glowing necklace for the rest of the evening.

Then all of a sudden, down, down I went. I felt my ankle twist out and then possibly in and discovered that I couldn't breathe. Panic went off, but I stuck to my goal, passed my wallet to my friend, and instructed her to buy me two glowing necklaces through the fence of the beer garden (fully expecting to be up in a minute to continue the party. A minute passed and then another as my concerned friends looked on. I finally admitted defeat and lay down on the grass to avoid passing out while someone went to get some ice.

My friends grabbed ice from the beer counter. Apparently the volunteer at the beer counter felt the need to get the first aid people (which was probably a good idea in retrospect). Unfortunately, the first aid "people" turned out to be a paramedic from the Major Incident Response Vehicle parked behind the VIP tent where I was lying in the grass. After it was established that I could bear absolutely no weight on my right ankle, the paramedic gave me the bad news; I had to go to the hospital, in an ambulance. I tried to talk him out of it, but with half my church on his side, I really didn't have a chance. So with some help, I hoped over to the cement and then, much to my embarrassment, they stuck me on one of these...

That was all fine and dandy until next I had to climb into this off road jeep sort of thing. Seriously, we only went about 25 metres on the first stretcher. By this point they had my whole ankle wrapped up in a pillow with an ice pack held together with triangular bandages. So, when 50 metres later we stopped to wait for the ambulance I was sitting in full view at a public event with a pillow tied to my foot. Then it was out of the jeep thing and onto the next stretcher for a ride to the hospital. I did catch a couple fire works out the back window though!!!

I have to say my hospital experience was great. I was there maybe an hour an a half total and one of my friends came with while another picked us up. The x-ray showed no breaks so off they sent me with crutches. Note: I live on the third floor of a walk up apartment building. fml. But up I climbed and to bed I went.

I will tell you though, that I am NOT in my happy place. It's super hot, super humid, I can't walk, feeding the cats is a nightmare, my house is messier than usual and my bed has crumbs in it. This is my first time spraining my ankle badly enough to need crutches, and let me tell you, I NEED them. The doctor said two full weeks of off my ankle. Did I mention it's my driving ankle? Blargh.

quick update

2010-07-15T22:37:00.002-05:00

I want to start writing more. I think it will be good for me. Life has been rather...overwhelming lately and it's been rather hard to get started.

My mother is so very sick right now and there's really no hope for her to get better. I've been stressed about work, lots of internal drama more so than client issues. To top everything off I sprained my ankle on Canada Day (July 1) and did quite a good job of it. It's really well sprained. I'm still using my crutches quite a bit and start physio for it on Monday.

I've been seeing a counsellor through Employee Assistance, which has been...interesting. Certainly not the easiest thing I've done recently and I'm still not sure it's the right thing, but I think so?

Cats are good. Oliver Lockhart has been literally in my face all evening. Right now he's got all four of his paws touching my arm which is making typing very difficult. I'm also trying to ice/elevate my ankle and so I'm at a rather awkward angle.

I have lots to say, particularly about counselling, but for tonight this will have to suffice.

2010-06-16T00:13:00.002-05:00

Today my mom told me that she is in so much pain (from the cancer) that she just wants to curl up and die.

2010-03-02T20:51:00.002-06:00

It's been awhile, so I thought I'd post another update. Life continues. Mom is having surgery on Monday which will hopefully be reaaaaally good for her. I've been working on using up my holiday days (which have to be gone by March 31st) as well as my sick days (same deal) while earning extra money working at the shelter. Over all, I'm actually doing quite well and I'm feeling like things have worked themselves into a new balance.

I worked at the shelter two days this weekend. There is something SO freeing about not having a caseload and something incredibly freeing about not having voice-mail. I am in LOVE with not having voice-mail! Seriously, I too Thursday off and I came back to EIGHT new voice-mails. Seriously people, if you leave ONE voice-mail, I promise I will get back to you. When you leave me THREE, it makes me not want to call you. (That being said, I'll still call you).

I love working at the shelter. I love my counselling job too, but I really really like hanging out with the homeless. As my long time readers will remember there are a lot of good reasons why I don't work at the shelter full time, but every now and then I get nostalgic for it. There's just something so very real about it, and I feel like I am really able to impact people. That being said, in terms of measurable change, I make a far greater difference at my other job. But, measurements, smeasurements.

Yoga = Awesome

2010-02-25T13:55:00.002-06:00

Today, for me, is a planned sick day. I love planned sick days. They give me so much time to make life less stressful...and to just get stuff done! Right now I'm at my mom's house doing laundry and chilling out. I'm about to help her with her bath. Later tonight I have a church meeting and then home to hang out with the cats... one of whom (cough, Sophie cat, cough) was up chewing on my hair at 7AM...grrrrr.

I did two yoga classes today. Yoga is one of the many things that has been helping me stay balanced and sane so I can cope with my life. In doing two classes, I chose to do one that was a really intense flow class and one that was a calm gentle restorative practice, again, creating balance. Balance or not though, I'm feeling kind of sore and jello like.

Creating balance in life is always difficult, but it becomes even more difficult when one part of your life requires a lot more energy then it has in the past. One thing I use when I lead the stress management group at work is an ecomap. Ecomaps track where the energy in your life is coming from and going to. It looks at which relationships are strained and which relationships are strong. If i was to draw an ecomap for myself right now, there would be a huge amount of energy going towards my family, it's a strong relationship, but I am not getting all that much energy back. Therefore, in order to maintain balance I have to draw on energy from other parts of my life, other parts of my ecomap if you will. Yoga, is one of those things which gives me energy. While it does take physical energy, I also find that it gives me physical energy and it definitely gives me mental energy. So, while some might see that my taking time almost everyday of yoga takes time away from my family, and some of my other responsibilities, it's something which gives me the strength to carry on.

work

2010-02-23T21:16:00.002-06:00

I love that work can be a distraction from life. SO many people I know have jobs that they hate, that they can't wait to leave, that they dread, that they use life to escape from. I am SO blessed, in that I like my job enough that it can be stress relief. Yes, my supervisor has massive mood swings, and yes I don't always get along with my coworkers, but the truth is, I like my job. I've had to have some hard conversations with clients the past few days, but despite that, things have gone okay.

Things with my mom aren't the greatest right now, and I'm somewhat worried that my sister is suicidal, and there's the possibility my dad could lose his driver's license tomorrow, and I was really hurt by someone I thought of as a close friend, but things could definitely be worse. In fact, today seems to have been a fairly good day...especially since yoga. Yoga seemed especially hot today, but I came out feeling really good. I may be a wee bit sore tomorrow though...

back to the grind

2010-02-21T22:34:00.004-06:00

So I'm back at the main job tomorrow morning. Full time counsellor once again. I look forward to the stress relief as long as my boss is off my case. I don't even truly remember what she was on my case about though so hopefully she's forgotten as well.

I held my mothers hand today as she screamed in pain while they took our her chest tube drain. The doctor told her it would "pinch a little". His version of "a little" is apparently quite different than hers. Poor woman. The good news is that the drain is out! Hopefully that means she's home tomorrow!

I am tired. And the thing is, I can't decide if it's harder to tell the truth, or to just pretend that everything is fine. It depends on the situation, I guess, but yeah...

I hope to get back to posting about social work tomorrow after I actually do some. All I've done this week is feel sorry for myself, wonder if I should be feeling sorry for myself or if I should get over it, and then wonder if in fact I should be feeling sorrier for myself. It's a never ending cycle...

Finding balance. It's all about finding balance. And so, I'll keep plugging away at this, one day at a time. One. day. at. a. time. And if I can't do one day then we'll break the day into sections and go from there.

As Dory would say, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming!"

last day of holiday

2010-02-20T23:43:00.002-06:00

I feel like I need another holiday. I feel like I need a holiday where mom is NOT in the hospital for all but one day of it. I need a holiday where I can do yoga twice a day instead of managing to squeeze in a class almost every day, but it was tight.

Mom is in the hospital till at least Monday. They still do not know where the fluid in her chest is coming from, and they do not feel that she is responding to the chemo the way she should be...at all. In fact, they feel she really isn't responding.

On the good side of things though, because I do like to find that balance, I've had some good hangouts with friends this week. I got a queen sized bed for the cats and I. SO much more room then my twin/single bed. SO much less cat in my space! I did do yoga almost every other day and had some really good practices. AND, I fixed/repotted all my plants today.

holiday day three

2010-02-17T14:13:00.004-06:00

So, I've been on holidays for three days now. Well, holidays from my day job, I'm still picking up shifts at the shelter. Monday I worked at the shelter, did yoga, slept. Tuesday I did yoga, drove the United States to shop, slept. Today I visited mom in the hospital, will do yoga, will sleep. Hopefully I'll see a friend sometime because tomorrow is hospital, yoga, work at the shelter, sleep.

Mom is back in the hospital again, this time with a pleural effusion (fluid in the cavity around her lungs). They've already taken off two litres of it and hope to pull more of this afternoon. We don't know when she'll get out yet, maybe not till Saturday but maybe as soon as tomorrow afternoon.

I'm having a hard time figuring out how much I should visit. I suppose the easiest answer would be to ask my mom, but I'm not so sure I'd like the answer. I don't want to hear something like "as much as you can". That being said, I also don't want to hear something like "well, i know you're busy, so don't worry if you're not here a lot". I'd love to hear something simple like, "well, if you could come an hour each day that would be lovely". However, this is her cancer, not mine and I need to remember that.

I also need to figure out how to better communicate with my dad and my sister but that's a different post.

update

2010-02-15T20:32:00.002-06:00

Writing has been hard lately. Writing makes things real. I tend to process things through writing,a and sometimes I just want to hide from reality, hide from processing things, hide from life. I've done a lot of hiding this past little while though, and maybe it's time to come out of my shell just a little. Perhaps it's time to open up, even to myself, about what I'm feeling, or maybe, to at least figure out what I'm feeling.

My mom is really sick. Really, really sick. When her bad menopause turned out to be ovarian cancer, I was concern. As she got worse, I was more concerned. I did some reading and realized that things were quite bad. In fact, things really suck. This week she wound up in the ER because she stopped peeing. Just, stopped. They still haven't figured out why. But she got a blood transfusion, got a whole bunch of fluids, spent two nights and is back at home. Now they are worried that there is fluid around her lungs. She's having a hard time breathing.

When I gave her a bath last night, there was just nothing there, nothing except a GIANT fluid and tumor filled abdomen which is now over 40inches around and 19 inches from top to bottom (full term pregnancy size). I can count all her ribs, I can run my hands down each and every vertebra in her spine. Last week she got into the tub on her own, holding onto a towel over the curtain rod for support; she pushed away my hand. This week she grabbed for my hand as I guided and supported her in.

I don't know what I feel. Part of me wants to know what I am SUPPOSED to feel, although, the social worker side of me knows that whatever I feel is normal. I'm all over the map. My mom and I have never, ever, had a close relationship. I'm a daddy's girl through and through. But now, now here I am. Now I'm the support, now I'm there, I've gone from talking to her once a month to seeing her at least once a week and talking to her sometimes almost everyday.

My mom has started telling me things, things I wished I could have heard when I was a teenager. She told me on Friday while we were in the ER that when I was a baby and she would leave me in my carseat during church she ached to hold me again by the end. Yesterday she mentioned that driving me (and my sister) home from high school was something she really missed because she missed hearing all about our days. These are things I never knew. I always saw my mom as cold, and uncaring, and distant. Now she is lost and vulnerable and very proud of her social worker daughter (she kept telling all the ER staff that I was a social worker).

So I don't know what to think. Mom's cancer has brought us together in a completely new way. But it's all happened rather suddenly and in a rather tragic way. This person I'm getting close to is disappearing before my eyes, in some cases, very literally.

For the next while this blog may be more about cancer, or venting, then social work. I don't know. I really want to try and write, it's so good for me. We'll see. I'm not so great at putting my deepest feelings out there, better at describing situations, which can be therapeutic in and of itself I suppose.

oh the things they say

2010-01-14T11:27:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was a rather amusing day in terms of the things my clients were saying and doing. It's important to keep in mind that I work in an employment agency for adults with mental illness to put at least one of these in context.

First of all, I was talking to a client on the phone who has recently begun job searching again. She has a great resume and TONS of relevant experience so I was very surprised she'd only gotten 1 phone call given the number of resumes we'd sent out. To my surprise I discovered that she had gotten many phone calls which she had ignored/turned down because they were from "chincy community agencies". Apparently she had driven past some of them and decided she didn't like the exterior of the building so wouldn't follow through with them.

Then, I spoke to a client who was very upset because her psychiatrist told her that being depressed is part of having depression. This caused her to lose hope and believe she would never be able to do anything for the rest of her life. I'm honestly not sure exactly what she was hoping her psychiatrist would say...

Next came the client who states they went to a job interview but had no idea where or what the company name was. In fact, they couldn't even remember what street it was on. They gave a vague area of the city. At this point we are not entirely convinced the client had a job interview at all, but who knows.

Finally, right after this client, another client called excited about a job interview, but once again, they didn't know where. However, they did reassure me they were going to get a hair cut, which means my persistence in the area of personal grooming for clients may finally have paid off uncomfortable as it is for me to discuss with them in counselling.

Better update

2009-12-27T21:41:00.003-06:00

Thought I'd write a bit of a better update then the last one. I get tomorrow off in lieu of boxing day which makes me SO happy! And it means I'm not stressed about trying to fall asleep tonight knowing I don't have to get up early tomorrow!!!

The main stressor in my life right now is the fact that my mom is quite sick. We would out a couple weeks ago that she has Ovarian cancer, and it's spread to other places in her abdomen. This is upsetting in and of itself, but the hardest part is just how sick it's making her. She can barely function, and she doesn't start Chemo till January 4. This means that I've spent more time with my family in the past month then I had in the past year up to then. I go over there every Sunday afternoon, which used to be my one guaranteed "me" time, and help her out with stuff. I've been blessed to a have a boss who is very flexible and has given me time off to drive mom to appointments and stuff, but it's a big change.

Work hasn't been the world's easiest lately, and since I tend to use work to hide from my life, it's made things difficult that there's conflict at work. One of my coworkers was really dragging the team down, they're currently on a leave, but we're now adjusting to increased case loads and shifting job responsibilities. I'm actually kind of enjoying that, my case load was far too small if you ask me. Either way, there's been a lot of tension at the office, which makes it hard for it to be my happy place. I decorated for Christmas in there (I'll post pics if I remember) and it's my special place.

I worked at the Shelter on Christmas/Boxing Day, which was really nice. I have a bunch of things to say about people feeling entitled and never being happy with what they have, but overall, it was great. I loved being able to be there with those people who simply had nowhere else to go. Our spontaneous turkey dinner was not so welcome, but whatever.

There's some other stuff going on that I can't post about till it's over, but right now it looks like my dad may be retiring, but there's a lot of stress around that. Church is busy as always. Yoga is GREAT!

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T06:40:00.002-06:00

I'm not dead

2009-12-19T22:38:00.003-06:00

Hi blog world. I just wanted to let you know that I'm still around. I still read blogs, I just haven't found it in me these days to write any. Family life has been crazy. My mom has been diagnosed with cancer, which has already spread, my grandma's quite sick, and a bunch of other stuff. Blogging hasn't been on the top of my priority list.

If anyone still reads this, I would appreciate any and all prayers, good thoughts etc... my family and I.

blogging

2009-11-08T22:20:00.002-06:00

I've been horrible about blogging this past while. I've been anemic, had bronchitis that wouldn't go away, an ear infection that made me not hear and well just felt generally crappy. Sleep continually won over blogging.

I'm better now though! So hopefully, more blog soon!

chronic suicide ideation

2009-10-24T22:10:00.002-05:00

As most of you know, I work in a program for adults with mental illness who want to reenter the workforce. One of the main criteria for program admission is current stability. In other words, you have to be emotionally ready to work and have enough control over your symptoms to function in a work environment. We'll support you, we'll advocate for you, we'll work with your employer, we'll help you, etc, but we aren't a placement agency, we help people find jobs in main stream employment. Of course, because no one is perfect and mental illness can be unpredictable, not all over our clients are able to find employment, and they don't all remain stable. Right now, I'm working with a client who is very not stable, and it's a little bit outside my comfort zone.

Said client is chronically suicidal. Suicide ideation is part of her daily life. However, since entering our program she has attempted suicide on three different occasions. She was not stable enough to maintain employment. So, it came time to discharge her and refer her to more appropriate services. So I did... refer her that is. She and her doctor decided that a hospital day program was a good option for her, it offers DBT and CBT skills training and would provide her with tools and a lot more support then our program can. So the client and I agreed that I would discharge her as soon as she started the program...

The program kept bumping her date of admission back, and so, two and a half months later, here we are. We meet for counselling, but I feel like we're getting no where. Every session is potentially our second last session (we'll do a last one for closing once she starts) and because her suicide ideation is so prevalent it's almost all we talk about. We have safety planned so many times that both of us could probably recite the whole thing backwards, forwards and upside down. The crisis lines have heard from her day in and day out for months. The mobile team won't see her right now because it's a "long standing issue". I was out of ideas.

So, when I saw her for the second time this week, an extra session, just to get her through till her day program starts Monday (we hope, we hope, we hope) I took a totally different approach. Rather then doing the whole ASIST thing where you explore reasons for death, reasons for life, align yourself with the side that wants to live, safety plan and contract (which I don't do anyway), I thought, we'll, this isn't changing anything, screw this. So, we talked about death. We talked about who finds her body, we talked about how long it stays in her apartment, we talked about who feeds her gerbil, we talked about her funeral, her ashes, the affect on different people in her life, and you know what, our session went a whole lot better. I wasn't frustrated (something my student noticed in our last session) and I left more room for silence and thinking. She wasn't forced to answer the same questions (with the same answer "I don't know") as usual. It certainly wasn't the answer, and it certainly didn't fix her suicide ideation, but it seemed to be a better approach.

In April I'm going to a two day workshop about working with chronic suicide ideation and it's connection to trauma. I'm super excited. I felt very unequipped in this situation, and while I did make all sorts of appropriate community referrals, the person she felt comfortable talking to was me. So I did research, I consulted coworkers and my supervisor and I kept in mind that not only do I not know everything, but I don't have to know everything.

second guessing

2009-10-20T20:00:00.003-05:00

I'm second guessing myself today. I don't usually do that. In general, I'm pretty good at leaving work and work and not thinking about it once I get home. Every now and again though, there's a situation which gets under my skin. A decision I made that I'm just not sure about. Today is one of those days.

2009-10-15T02:31:00.002-05:00

Vacation is going amazingly well. I'm hanging out with this fine canine named Apocalypse. He's pretty awesome, but VERY hard to get a picture of as he doesn't hold still long enough.

As I mentioned in a previous post a couple months ago, my vacation is with someone I met on the internet, a fact which concerned some of my friends, but it's turned out wonderfully. At least for me, I hope she feels the same way! I've known my movie loving friend online for 5 years now and I've been planning this trip for many of them. It feels so great to finally just get to hang out in the same room, even if all we're doing is reading/reading the internet.

Vacation has been so relaxing, and I still have 2 full days left! Today we went to take in some tourist sites, but for the most part we haven't been doing much of anything, something I've been greatly enjoying. We've been to mass, church, small group and movie discussion group. Watched movies and played boardgames with her roommates. I lost horribly at the game of life tonight, but really had quite a good time of it. If you ask me, I should have won, however the money didn't agree.

I hope all of you are doing well and have fun vacations to look back on/look forward too!

Vacation

2009-10-12T15:50:00.003-05:00

I'm on vacation right now and it's wonderful! I took that picture on Friday. My friend and I sat on some rocks and just "were". It was amazing. I am soooo relaxed, and I'm finally getting healthy too. It turned out I was quite anemic, which was definitely the cause of my lack of energy and depression. I've been taking double the usual amount of iron and despite the stomach ache, I feel SO much better. Vacation is wonderful. Friends are wonderful. Walking on hills, definitely not so wonderful, but still, in this gorgeous place, it's okay.

realities of life

2009-10-03T12:24:00.003-05:00

I haven't posted about death in quite a while. Since switching jobs, I haven't had nearly as many encounters with death, although I will say that every time I work at the shelter, one of the first things I find out is if anyone has died. So, it surprised me yesterday, when my father told me about a client from two jobs ago who died this week, a attender of the church I attended in my first couple years of university, and more recently, someone I locked up in the drunk tank at the shelter.

Anora was a broken woman, rarely have a met someone with SO much anger and pain inside, and yet, she tried to fight, as best she could. A woman, who grew up surrounded by drugs, abuse, alcohol, gangs, neglect and suffering, full of instability, it all came with her to her adult life. Trauma doesn't disappear when you turn eighteen.

Anora was found dead in a pool of her own vomit. She didn't make it through that nights drinking and drugs. We'll never know if she intended to die that night or just went a little overboard and her tired body couldn't handle anymore.

Very honestly, and this really surprised me, I hope she wanted to die. Not because I think her life was so horrible there was no help for her, but because I hope that she was ready to go. I hope this wasn't an accident and there was still some fight left in her, I hope she didn't intend to wake up the next morning full of possibilities, I hope this was on her terms, and her time. Or perhaps, she simply gave up caring, which is the most likely scenario given what I know of her.

And so today, I mourn the lose of Anora, and I pray that people will continue to make an effort for others like her, so that not every tragic story has to end in more tragedy.

there's a cat on my head.

2009-09-29T22:13:00.002-05:00

My orange cat is on my head right now. NOT impressed. Oh well.

So, big revelation of the week. I need to SLOW DOWN! Yesterday I came into the office and got right down to business. Things with the student and with new staff had left me kind of overwhelmed, but I came into the office ready to get back on top of the pile and jump start my week.

Well, I not only got on top of the pile, but I just kept climbing. See, I have a habit of being very intense. It's a really ADHD thing (which I've never formally been diagnosed with, but well, I fit all the symptoms...) Anyway, it's that ADHD thing where you can focus really intently on something you're interested in and you just zone right in, but then in other scenarios you're just bored out of your mind and can't focus at all. SO, what I'm trying to say is that I did a TON of work yesterday and really didn't leave a lot for the rest of the week. Or maybe it's that I did all the "interesting" work yesterday, and have boring stuff left for the rest of the week.

See the thing is, yesterday I went through my case load and checked up on them all. Hadn't heard from them? Gave them a call. Missing information? Tracked it down. Needed a letter sent? Wrote the letter and sent it etc... Did I do any class prep or group development? Nope. Now, maybe this is good, but guess which part of being a social worker I like best, class development or dealing with clients...

I'm still working on finding that balance in my day. Finding the time and the pattern so that I spend a good amount of time on my various tasks. Fridays are almost always saved for catching up on my documentation/administration stuff, and since my clients never show up on Fridays I've basically stopped booking their appointments for then. I tend to have most of my clients on Wednesday when we have our job search group, and the rest fall in on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. I lead class/group on a completely irregular schedule. And I usually see evening clients on Wednesdays.

Basically, what I'm saying is that for me, as it is with a lot of people, it's a lot easier for me to do the counselling/advocacy part of my job then it is to do all the paperwork that comes with it.

busy bee

2009-09-28T22:15:00.002-05:00

I interacted with 14 client files today. I cannot tell you how much I hate that expression.

mindlessness perhaps the opposite of mindfullness

2009-09-27T22:33:00.003-05:00

I had an awesome day today.

Starbucks, pick up people for church.

I lead the service a church this morning (sermon and all) and I didn't die during the children's story. Children's stories are NOT my forte.

After church I drove people home and then began watching Grey's Anatomy.

Lunch with bestest bud at Olive Garden (Soup, Salad, and Bread sticks).

The a quick bit of shopping with bestest bud including a pair of yoga pants to wear during movie watching marathons while on vacation, which coincidently, commences in 11 days.

The home to watch the rest of Grey's, hug the cats, check out this new NCIS: Los Angelos thing and start to get caught up on my CSI:NY watching. I haven't finished last season on that one yet.

And so, now I'm heading to be early. all in all. a wonderful day.

learning contract

2009-09-26T22:09:00.002-05:00

So I haven't given you guys an update on my social work student since my panic earlier this month. I had NO idea having a student would be this much work. Or well, I sort of did, but really, it's A LOT of work! I think I'm settling into a routine with her now though, which is really helpful. There was one week when I came into work an hour early on the days she was there as well as leaving late so that I could get all my work done while still spending time with her. Of course, I also had to work on training our new counsellor, so I was trying to do a crazy amount of work...

So, things I've learned so far (some of which I was warned about, some of which I'm figuring out on my own).

1. Having a student makes you hyper aware of what you are doing. I haven't had someone observe one of my counselling session since I did a video session in third year university. Now I have someone observing and critiquing my counselling. I also have to pay a lot more attention to how I spend my time because two days a week, there's someone watching everything I do.

2. I need to slow down. I always need to slow down, so this isn't actually new, however, having a student forces me to take the time to slow down and really think about what I am doing and why.

3. Shoes are an important thing. I have a habit of not wearing shoes while at work. I wear them when I see clients, but other then that... It drives my boss crazy, and if she "made" me wear them, I would make more of an effort, but mostly she just shakes her head. However, now that I have a student, I've started thinking about what kind of an example I'm setting as a professional, and realizing... hmmm shoes... probably a good thing.

4. Having a student makes me go back to basics. I found her my "basic counselling responses" text book and took a good look at it myself. It made me think about some of those basic things which have in a way become second nature to me.

5. Having a student also brings me back to some of that "impostor syndrome" I've felt in the past. That whole, I can't do this, who am I to be calling me a social worker type thing. Only in this case, it's all about not screwing the poor girl up or having her expose me as a fake.

On the whole, I really like having a student. I think she's going to bring a lot to our organization. Having a student means we all act a little "sharper", but it also means we get a new perspective, someone who is right now reading the most current up to the date stuff and learning lots of great things in school. I enjoy helping some one else learn about their passions, about social work and about being a professional. I love reading her reflections and trying to challenge her thinking and get her to explore some of her own strengths and weaknesses. I hopefully will get to keep doing this, because I think it is such a wonderful thing.

sleeeeep

2009-09-26T00:09:00.002-05:00

Volunteering tonight was exhausting. We had a great youth group in from out of town to help us, but they of course needed direction. One semi good conversation with a guest though.

Also, Olay Daily Facials Express are great for "sponge" baths.

falling

2009-09-23T22:31:00.003-05:00

So get this. I fell down my apartment stairs this morning on my way to work. I've complained on here before about feeling like I have ear problems, well, this doesn't make me feel any better. Thankfully, I caught myself, and my coffee mug fell much further then I did. I have a sore ankle and shin, but other then that, I seem to be okay. I was able to shake it off, put on different (safer) shoes and go to work a few minutes late. I am WAY to young to feel this old though. At 23 I should not be worrying about falling down the stairs, constant ear aches, sinus pain and well, feeling completely crappy all the time. I see my doctor next week though and I plan on be very assertive.

Work was okay today. Nothing all that exciting, well, one of my clients got a job, that was exciting. I'm so happy for her! However, as I mentioned previously, it's a lot easier for our job developers to know that they did a good intervention then it is to evaluate all the work the two of us did in counselling, the advocacy pieces I did with her and the community referrals, all of which helped get her to the point where she was confident enough to interview well.

decisions, decisions.

2009-09-22T21:39:00.003-05:00

My thought for today is that I either need to go back to Yoga or back to therapy. Maybe both. I'm not making a decision till after my holiday though.

stay tuned tomorrow for why I'm pissed off about the material I learned in my food handlers course and how it relates to societies treatment of some of our most vulnerable citizens.

counselling

2009-09-21T22:17:00.003-05:00

I had a super intense session with someone today. We had a really intense one last week too. I don't know if the client finds things as intense as I do, but I feel like we're really hitting the root of some incredibly deep pain.

I've been thinking about how to assess the effectiveness of what I do. For our job developers it's a lot easier. Either people get jobs, or they don't. Plain and simple. They can count the number of people they help find employment each month. It's A LOT harder for the counsellors. I mean, I can count the time I spend in sessions with people, and in fact, I'm required to. But how do I judge whether what I do has a positive affect on people?

One thing that helps is when clients volunteer that feedback, but it doesn't always happen. For example, I wonder if I'm actually helping the client I saw today. They're dealing with some very intense stuff, and I have no idea whether our work together is helping, but there doesn't seem to be an appropriate way to ask... Counselling is a very abstract thing to measure.

In other thoughts, I wonder if an empty chair exercise would be helpful or hurtful to someone with schizophrenia. I mean, of course it depends on the person, but in general... There's a client I think it would really benifit, but I don't want to play into anything they may have going on for them... I need to do some research on Gestalt Therapy and Psychotic Disorders...

Popcorn

2009-09-20T21:32:00.003-05:00

I love popcorn. Seriously. I love it. I'm eating some right now and it makes me incredibly satisfied. It can't fix all my problems, but it makes things temporarily right in my world.

Hmmm what else can I say. This trying to blog every day thing is interesting, but I feel like I'm just putting crap up on my blog.

My day was fairly good. Church, then lunch with friends, then a hair cut. One of my friends cuts my hair, and this time we traded a hair cut for me trimming her cats claws. The cat is 18 years old but I have 3 bites, multiple scratches and my finger was actually bleeding. Still, my friend does an AMAZING job and I have a super cute hair cut that I didn't have to pay money for.

Then I did some stupid chores like repotting some plants, changing the cat litter and taking out the garbage. After which I went to my parents for supper. I brought Oliver Lockhart with me. He makes a great escape tool. He lay down in front of the door and then I just said "well, Ollie wants to go home!"

Then this evening, I talked to my friend (who I am visiting in just 18 days!) for quite a while, trimmed Oliver's claws and made a meal plan for the rest of the week...oh, and a grocery list. And now, I'm hoping to get to bed a bit early, we'll see if it actually happens though :P

Watch this time tomorrow for a post about assessing the effectiveness of counselling if I manage to find the words to write what I want to say! Either that or I'll post pictures of my plants...perhaps both.

Blue sky

2009-09-19T23:01:00.002-05:00

Today was a gorgeous day. I ignored all the calls from the shelter asking me to do a shift and enjoyed the sunshine. Our church put on a free family fun day for the neighbourhood and so I hung out at that, playing with the kids, cooking up some hotdogs and just being outside.

Volunteering last night was hard. We were so short on volunteers that we couldn't open our dining room. We had to pass out bag lunches through the door. It sucked. We've got to think of some new strategies to get volunteers or something. It's really sad for the community that lack of volunteers is what holds us back.

Also, I made this awesome Chickpea Masala for dinner tonight and installed new full spectrum bulbs in my kitchen, so I'm feeling quite good about myself. A cat just walked across me on his way to start combing my hair with his claws, so I'm thinking that's about all I'm writing today.

so blessed

2009-09-18T23:48:00.002-05:00

I recieved a letter from my sponsor child today. They (she and her family) thanked me for the picture of Sophie and I and said my cat looked very healthy. Then they said that they prayed for me each day and night. I almost cried. I am sure that they do, and it touched me so much that this family, living in Malawi, was praying for me, who has so much.

Life goes on and on

2009-09-17T22:57:00.003-05:00

So, inspired by the Anti Social Social Worker, who was inspired by someone or another, I'm going to try and write at least a sentance everyday. In all truth, I've been too anhedonic/apathetic to write. Having depression sucks, and September is definitely a trigger time for me.

Work is good though. We finally have a full team as of yesterday, and after three days of practicum, I haven't scared away my student yet! That is ALWAYS a good thing. I'm taking her to a wholesale discount candy store tomorrow, everyone working in non-profits needs to know about resources like that...

Oliver Lockhart just climbed up and is combing my hair with his claws... he seems to find this relaxing. I don't.

and...that's all I got today.

So, I have a social work student...

2009-09-09T07:38:00.004-05:00

This is Sophie Cat. See her stare? She is saying "help my girl" (Oliver Lockhart just keeps walking across the keyboard erasing things). So, why do I need help? Well, my social work student arrived yesterday. My very first one. I had done lots of thinking, reflection, and preparation, gone to workshops, done all the paperwork, but now she's here. Now I'm panicking. I am so worried I am going to screw this poor girl up. My biggest problem though, especially this week and next, is figuring out how to balance taking care of my case load and my documentation (which as you know, I'm constantly behind in) and still finding time to do a good job with her. I don't want her to be as bored as I was the first month at my first practicum.

So, for those of you who've been there, cause all us social workers have, what was good about your field instructor? What was bad about your field instructor? If you are still in practicum, what's good, what's bad? If you've had a student, how did you find the balance? Any advice for a first time supervisor?

So yeah. That's what's going in my life. More later though.

The Dreamer.

This made me smile

2009-09-02T22:01:00.002-05:00

Workshop

2009-08-26T08:32:00.003-05:00

I don't know if I've ever mentioned on here just how hard it is for me to sit still. I'm pretty sure I have, but in any case, I'll say it again... I CAN'T SIT STILL! I mean, I do fine in counselling session, but I limit those to an hour, and when I lead groups I'm up at the whiteboard a lot. I can fidgit all I want when I'm just doing paperwork and no one cares if I walk up and down the hall or take a trip to the photocopy room. Why does this matter? Well, today I have to sit kind of still...

Today I am going to the first of four workshops about how not to screw up my social work student. This is a good thing. I really don't want to screw her up! BUT, I also can't say I'm all that excited about having to go to school all day. Especially because it's at the other university in town, not the one I went to. So it's unfamiliar, I don't know the presenters etc... My hope is that someone from my school will be taking it. See all first year practicum supervisors from that university have to take it, so there should be someone from my class there, you would think. I'm sure it will be fine.

During the workshop today we get all sorts of information about how to get things set up, their learning contracts and deadlines and stuff. We also have to do things about our supervision styles, learning styles and stuff like that. That's the part I'm not excited about. Although I'm an extrovert, I'm not a huge fan of meeting large groups of new people and having small group discussions with them. Oh well.

In anycase, I gotta get out of here. It's wonderful to be able to sleep in, but I suppose I do have to leave eventually. I was planning to take the bus, so I wouldn't have to park, but I finally decided I'm just going to drive afterall. It's funny, becaues last year at this time I didn't have a car yet and I took the bus EVERYWHERE or rode my bike, and now I'm so used to the car.

and, in other news, the cats are fighting...must.go.end.cat fight.

Health Day

2009-08-24T21:14:00.002-05:00

So, today I took a "health day" not a "sick" day, but a health day. In other words, I took a day off before I got sick, hopefully to prevent said sickness. Working a job by myself which is supposed to have to people has been wearing on me, and so a couple weeks ago I decided I would plan a day to call in sick. Then after last weeks craziness it became even more necessary. The beauty of planning a sick day, is you can plan to have no appointments that day. That way it doesn't screw up things for your clients or your team members and there's no catch up when you get back.

So what did I do for said "health day"? Well it wasn't maybe the most relaxing day ever or anything, but I did get some things accomplished that needed doing, which make me feel like my life is more under control. I got the oil changed on my car, got groceries, did laundry, washed dishes, had a nap (wonderfulness), saw best friend, snuggled with the cats and read an entire book. It was great. Now I'm just hoping I can sleep tonight despite the napping.

I wish workplaces could me more accepting of the need for such "health days". My supervisor was awesome about it. I actually told her what I was doing, so she knew ahead of time we'd be down staff. She's always saying we don't do enough self care, so it seemed like a safe bet she'd be okay with it. At my old job however, at the shelter, I wouldn't have dreamed of doing this. They were a lot stricter about needing doctor's notes and such. Then again, it's a lot easier for my program to run with less staff then it is for the shelter.

So, what's your workplace policy on taking a mental health day or a personal day. Is it an unofficial policy? Or is it totally frowned upon when employees take time off when they're not physically sick to the point of being completely unable to work?

taking a vacation

2009-08-23T22:14:00.004-05:00

WestJet is by far my favourite airline, and in just 45 short days I will be taking a plane, just like the one pictured, to go see one of my very best friends. I can't tell you how excited I am. The catch? I've never met her before. So, how are we such good friends? Well it all started five years ago when I was young and angsty... (And now it's time for story time with Still Dreaming).

Back in first year university, my life was pretty screwed up. I was living in residence and spending much of my time with two pretty disfunctional older woman at the non-profit I was involved in. Of course, being at Bible College, things got pretty touchy feely one night and I was all like "i cut myself" and yada, yada, yada... No alcohol involved in my "confession" either. So then we made this convenant to tell people and blah, blah, blah, I told these two women (okay, this is turning into a horrible story). The point is, that since we couldn't find a face to face support group they suggested I look online. And I found this awesome support forum.

This forum was my "everything" for a really long time. I couldn't go for very long without looking at it. And as I spent more time on it, I began to make friends. Good friends. Of course then came holidays and birthdays and we would even exchange letters and cards. And some of the friendships I developed way back then I still have today. Including the friendship I have with the person I'm going to see. I seriously can't imagine my life without her. She knows just about everything there is to know about me.

What I found interesting, while reading the message boards, was the number of teenagers on it who reported that their therapists didn't want them being a part of the community. Now, I understand a therapists hesitation. The internet can be WAY out there, and I think we more commonly think of websites encouraging disordered behaviour such as "pro-ana" websites. It's important however not to put things in boxes and label them as good or bad. Some websites are good for some people and some aren't. Whatever helps the person, and finds them support should be encouraged, not restricted.

Another common assumption is that "online" relationships aren't as meaningful or valuable as "real life" relationships. This is something I both agree and disagree with. I love my "real life" friends, or perhaps I should say, the friends in my city, but I also have great relationships with friends who've moved away or I've met in other places. And very honestly, my online relationships are just as "real" to me. Maybe it's a generation thing, but it doesn't bother me that I haven't met them.

So in anycase, I'm super excited to be taking some holidays to spend with an amazing friend! I'm counting down the days :D

blogger's block

2009-08-22T22:56:00.003-05:00

I have bloggers block. Bad. I've just got nothing to write about. Except I do, oh how I do! Even though I make lists, and put things aside to write about later, I still can't manage to actually have an inspiration when I sit down at the computer.

Things I could blog about if I wasn't so blocked...

- How the cats are getting along

- Suicide

- Toolboxes of recovery and coping tools

- Teaching assertiveness

- Explaining to a client with slight cognitive impairment what child sexual abuse was

- Quitting smoking as a therapy goal

- Housing for people with mental illness

- Getting into the psych ward

- Suicide intervention during psychosis

- Sexual Assault

- Lack of staff at work

- Setting therapy goals

- My nutritionist

- Spiritual Direction

- Church

- Youth Retreat that's coming up

- Oil Changes

- What I've been reading/what I haven't been reading

- My roof

- Wheelchair poem guy

- Getting a social work student

- My best friend returning to my city (possibly why I haven't been blogging as much come to think of it)

And the list goes on, and on. Unfortunately, when I sit down to write, the words just don't come. I'm planning on trying harder, because blogging is SUCH a release for me and such a good self care tool.

So, to all my friends out their in the blogisphere. I love you <3

craaaaaay week

2009-08-21T23:53:00.004-05:00

It is amazing to me, that one of my clients could ingest more than 200 pills, wind up at the hospital in an ambulance, be treated in emergency and be released with no admission, not even a follow up. The day before that they refused to admit her to psych. Who knows what the weekend will bring. Apparently she is safe because she swallowed her plan.

For the record, my whole week's been like this. I spent all of Thursday in tears. It's a long story. But every six months or so, I cry for an entire day. Unfortunately, that day, was Thursday. It sucked. But, it turned out really well. My supervisor and I had a great talk (after she freaked out at me in the hallway earlier that day). I'm calling in sick Monday for a planned mental health/self care day.

Also, Oliver Lockhart seems to think the litter box will attack him. It's a closed box, (with a lid) and he does his business with his head sticking out. After he burys it, he BOLTS down the hall to the living room like there's something chasing him. It is hilarious! Just thought I'd share :)

Workplace Conflict

2009-08-13T21:30:00.002-05:00

I teach/lead a class/group on conflict as part of our pre-employment workshops. It always seems so cut and dry when I'm doing that. I give them this easy to use and fairly simple conflict resolution process that I actually believe works. Unfortunately, nothing is that simple.

I wish more than anything that I could tell you guys about what's been happening at my work place. I do so much better when I'm able to write things out and get them out there. I am SO sick of stupid conflict though, unfortunately, in this situation some "stupid conflict" has had some very serious consequences for some people.

Today, we found out that there have been some very negative and nasty rumours going around about our program. These rumours have been both verbal, and perhaps most challenging to deal with, spread over Facebook. Obviously, I can't get into it, as the internet is not a safe place...but I think we all knew that. The last thing I need though is for things like this blog to come back and haunt me. It sucks, but I think for awhile I'm going to have to post mostly about the shelter and general life and social work stuff until this passes. And possibly edit some posts. Sigh.

I'm so frustrated. I actually cried at work today. Because one of the rumours really hurts. I love having an office where I can shut the door and do that. I really love my job. I don't want stupid things to affect that.

rant around the clock

2009-08-12T19:39:00.002-05:00

I'm having an issue at work that I'm kind of getting sick of. My clients seem to have a VERY difficult time keeping their appointments. Now, I don't mind the occasional missed appointment that was forgotten about, and I of course don't mind rescheduling with notice, but this is getting ridiculous. It bothers me on a number of levels, and I'm not really sure what the reason behind things is.

Now it is true that my client population is dealing with mental heath concerns, this can definitely affect memory and sense of time. However, everyone who gets into my program has to be fairly stable. We're not usually working with people who are actively psychotic (although of course it happens every now and again). So this could be one reason.

Now the other reason that my coworkers and I have discussed is that we are a free center and there is no consequence for missed appointments. If a client misses an appointment, nothing bad happens. We reschedule. That's it. It's not something they're paying for, and maybe that gives it less value? Perhaps because there are no consequences when something else comes up or they don't feel like coming in, they don't.

My program still uses the Psychosocial Recovery Model (PSR Model) which, although old, has some value. There is a huge emphasis on client responsibility and client decision making and empowerment (which are great) but it also means that we don't chase after our clients as a general rule. We don't require them to come to appointments, it's their choice.

I think what frustrates me, is that I put aside time in my day for a client, that I could give to another client or use for my never ending pile of documentation. Instead, I'm left wondering whether they'll come in or not. For many clients, I do prep work and it's frustrating when they're a no show. It also bugs me on a personal level (as opposed to professional) that I managed to show up for all my therapy session when I was in therapy, why can't they, but that's not something that's all that relevant really.

So that's my rant for the day. I'm SICK of it. But, life will go on, mine, and theirs.

Hearing Voices - Workshop

2009-08-09T21:23:00.003-05:00

Last week I went to a fascinating workshop called "Hearing Voices that are Distressing". It's based on the idea that a person can experience hearing voices, as someone with schizophrenia might, the same way a person can experience a physical disability by being in a wheelchair for a day.

The first part of the workshop was general discussion/information about schizophrenia/psychosis and the organization which held the workshop. Next though, was the really interesting part.

Each person put on a pair of headphones and pressed play on a tape. The tape mimiced the voices that the workshop creator has experienced in her life. Then we were put through a mock psych assessment at a contrived psychiatric hospital. We had to do a mini mental status exam, a cognitive assessment and a reading comprehension test. The "staff" (workshop leadership) behaved in a very cold and clinical (old school clinical) way. We also had to go on a "errand" out in the community and write down some information, all while wearing the headphones and hearing the voices. I was definitely a one of a kind experience.

I found that all I wanted to do was sit down and listen to the voices. I didn't want to do any of the other stuff at all, for me, it really opened my eyes to why someone hearing voices might isolate themselves. Other people found themselves listening to the directions of the voices (stop it, put your hands down etc...) while others found themselves very frightened and frustrated. And we all knew that the voices were a tape!

Afterwards there was a debrief time, and even though I'm normally a very talkative person all I wanted to do was go home and rest. I felt soooooo over stimulated. Of course I had to work though, and go to a goodbye party...

Overall, it was a great workshop, and if you ever have the chance to do something similar I would highly recommend it!

Social Worker...

2009-08-06T21:58:00.002-05:00

Here we have a picture of me giving Oliver Lockhart a bath. He looks sort of like I've been feeling.

I finally feel like a social worker, for all the wrong reasons. I feel like a social worker because my case load suddenly doubled because the other counsellor is leaving. I feel like a social worker because our 8 person team only has 6 people, one of whom just got fired. I feel like a social worker because I have tension in my back. I feel like a social worker because I sometimes take at least a full day to respond to my clients phone calls, and I'm often a day behind on my documentation.

Fortuntately, the good stuff keeps me going.

I feel like a social worker because I can see that there are clients whose lives I am making a difference in. I feel like a social worker because people respect my opinion, even though I rarely give it. I feel like a social worker because I can write letters of support for people to other professionals and believe that they'll mean something. I feel like a social worker because I finally have work to do all day instead of reading "Stuff Christians Like" all morning. I feel like a social worker because I'm finally starting to understand the ins and outs of the multiple systems that make up "the system" even though I thought I knew them before. I feel like a social worker because I KNOW that I'll never learn it all.

Tomorrow I'm headed to a workshop for the morning, then a goodbye lunch for the other counsellor, and then we'll see. I have a counselling session booked and I have to fix a letter I'm writing for my supervisor/team.

My spiritual director taught me a very neat prayer that dates back over 1000 years. It is a simple reflection on that which you are most grateful for and that which you are least grateful for. Today it is as follows:

I am most grateful for an evening spent with the cats, tea and a mystery novel (as well as a couple episodes of The Simpsons). I am least grateful for the stress at work which causes me tension and for the stomach ache I've had on and off today.

don't give up on me yet!

2009-07-19T00:15:00.002-05:00

Hello faithful readers of this blog. this is a message to say. Don't give up on me yet! One of these days there will be more awesome social work blogging! I'm enjoying my new job a lot, but it's not as exciting as working at the shelter, that's for sure, and I find I don't have as many things to write about. Besides that, I sometimes feel like I spend all day at the computer, and the last thing I want to do when I get home is more typing. But, it will come. I love to write, I'm just not in a writing season it seems.

Things are going well. The cats are very slowly getting used to each other. And by that I mean Sophie Cat is slowly getting used to having Oliver Lockhart around. She still hisses if he gets to close, and all he wants to do is be friends! Thankfully Oliver still is put in a different room at night, and Sophie and I get some peace. Having a young cat is "exciting", he gets into EVERYTHING! But I love him!

I went and donated blood today. If you're eligible to donate blood I highly recommend doing. It's an hour out of your day every eight weeks (or more of course) and you can save up to three lives. It means so much to someone, and it doesn't hurt you at all. Well, the initial needle poke hurts a bit, but other then that. Of course, not everyone is eligible because there are a million and one things that disqualify you, but apparently only 3% of those eligible donate. Summer is a time when they need more blood and have less donors, so seriously, consider donating. If you ever wondered how you could give more to charity with no money, well remember, donating blood is free! (So that's today's plug for that)

Meet Oliver Lockhart

2009-07-12T21:44:00.004-05:00

So I went to the Pet Store where I bought Sophie Cat the other day. I hadn't been there since I brought her home...

someone new came home with me...

This is Oliver Lockhart (Oliver from Oliver and Company, Lockhart from Gildoroy Lockhart from Harry Potter 2).

He is a year and a half old. The Pet Store rescued him from the Humane Society which was going to euthanize him because it was cheaper to kill him than to neuter him. Oliver is basically the complete opposite of Sophie Cat. You can do anything to him and he'll just purr away. Sophie on the other hand has been hissing and growling at him from the other side of the baby gate. This is going to take some time.

Oh, and for good measure, here's a picture of Sophie Cat trying to stuff herself into her cat condo.

Poor Sophie. SO not impressed with the new addition to our family. I'm really hoping she gets used to him. Otherwise bestest bud will take him, but I really want to keep him too. I really think Sophie needs a friend, she just needs to get over her anger/fear.

A typical day (week) at the office

2009-07-04T21:34:00.004-05:00

This is my office... or well, my desk. The picture is taken standing in between my two chairs. My sister asked me today what a typical day at my job was like. I had a hard time answering because all my days are different, I can definitely talk about a typical week though! So here it goes.

My day always starts by checking the news online. Our secretary always manages to get the paper copy of the newspaper first, so I read the internet version. I do this while absorbing my coffee and getting caffienne into my blood stream. Ideally I do this before I'm forced to talk to people. I also go over my calendar and my client chart to see if there's anything that needs doing right away. I might highlight things that need to be accomplished that day.

Next, I'll probably go and visit my coworkers for a little bit, especially my "buddy" the other counsellor. We generally check in about what our days are like and if there's anything the other person should know about.

After that I generally go back to my office and work on paper work for a while. Maybe I'm typing up an intake summary, a discharge summary, an employment placement plan etc... maybe I'm reading a new client chart doing preparation for an intake, or writing out progress notes.

I generally don't schedule any intakes or counselling sessions until 10AM. This is better for all involved. I'm far more empathetic and perceptive after this time. So after 10AM I may have an intake or a counselling session. If I don't, I work on things like curriculum development and spend time doing general research or reading books for book reviews I post here. I figure, it's all related.

Then comes lunch. Lunch is a good thing. I generally eat with my coworkers. They're pretty awesome for the most part. We often go for a walk during lunch time.

Then I hurry back because I might have a classroom check in before class time. Basically, I have 2-3 students in the class who are "mine" for the duration. I check in with them each week, see how things are going, help them if they're having problems, work with them on any assignments they're struggling with etc...

Then comes class. If I'm teaching class, then I spent the next three hours facilitating a group. This past month I taught a class on Career Exploration, one on Criticism/Self Criticism and one about Personal Growth. There are classes about resumes and all that stuff too, but I don't do them. We have job people that do that.

If I'm not teaching class then I spend the afternoon much like I spent my morning. Counselling session, setting up appointments, reading and updating files, paper work, preparing documents etc...

Once a week we have a staff meeting, once a month we have a class review meeting, we have supervision probably once a month as well.

And that's generally what I do!

The Sophie Cat's day as a Social Work Cat

2009-07-03T22:48:00.005-05:00

Have I mentioned lately how much I love my job? Well, it turns out that Sophie Cat doesn't mind it either. I brought her to work today, this is a picture of the last time she came to work, but I didn't think to take any today. My workplace is super great about pets. My boss has brought her puppy a couple times, and as long as no one on the floor minds, we're free to do whatever. I mean, within reason.

I only brought Soph's because they're were cleaning the ducts in my apartment and I did not think she would like to be home for strange men trapsing through here. She HATED the day they tested the smoke detectors. I swear she didn't come out from under the couch all day!

Anyway, Sophie got along quite well. She came out of her carrier right when we got there and settled in on a blanket under the desk. I left her off the leash this time and she was very well behaved. At first she stayed in the office, but as she got braver, she came with me to the file room and we went to visit a couple other staff. I took her to meet the students in the employment class, because I talk about her pretty much every time I teach, but that was just too many people for her. And being a cat, she hid under the chair of the one person in the class who doesn't like cats.

I'm thinking about bringing her more often. Some of the clients just lit up. It's times like this I wish I had a dog, dogs are such good therapy animals, or well, some dogs/owners are. One of my friends online and her dog just became a therapy team. Anyway though, Sophie Cat would be horrible at it, as she's still very shy, and she is NOT a lap cat. But, I just think she adds something to my office. On the other hand, SO many people are allergic to cats, that it would just be a bad idea all around.

The cutest moment of the day, was when at almost exactly 4PM she hoped in her carrier and looked at me like "okay, time to go!" I had to break it to her that I don't get off until 4:30 and she still had some time to kill!

it's a lot easier

2009-06-29T21:46:00.004-05:00

Lesson of the week: Sometimes it is WAY easier to be a social worker than a friend.

One of dearest and most beloved friends is currently dealing with extremely debilitating anxiety. If she was a client, I would know what to do, but it's so much harder to be a friend. That comes across sounding wrong somehow. I'm not sure it expresses what I'm truly trying to say. Let me try again.

I'm not trying to say that I want to be my friend's social worker, because I very much do not. What I am trying to say is that as a social worker, I have techniques and boundaries, and coworkers to debrief with, and time limited situations etc... Very rarely, does the emotional pain of my clients deeply hurt my heart. This is a good thing. It's what keeps me sane, and what enables me to be good at my job.

When my bestest bud is hurting, it breaks my heart. I hurt with her, and I hurt for her. I want to make all her pain go away. I certainly don't want to throw the responsibility back on her, I just want to fix the situation, so she doesn't have to deal with it. And I know she feels the same way, when I'm in the depths of depression (we've talked about it). Friendship is so deep on such a mutual level.

As social workers, we are able to make amazing differences in people's lives, we connect with people on a deep emotional level, but it's their emotional level, most of the time. We still have that inner running social worker dialogue going on in our heads. When it's our friends that are hurting, there's something else there.

This seems to be one of my more rambling posts, I haven't slept the greatest the past two nights, and I'm trying to express so much in this, and it's just not working.

On a positive note, because I like to end on a positive note, I got a BIKE! My last two were stolen, but hopefully this years bike, complete with even BIGGER lock, will last longer. That's the goal at least... In anycase, I'm riding to work tomorrow, and I'm very happy about that. SO glad to leave the car behind! Oh, and I made a pasta salad for lunch tomorrow, I'm very proud of myself.

and that folks, is a rare picture of the mess inside the dreamers house.

Sophie Cat gets a summer hair cut!

2009-06-24T21:54:00.003-05:00

disclosure

2009-06-21T20:29:00.003-05:00

Something that was drilled into us during school was the idea that you can't take a client further than you've gone yourself. In otherwords, deal with your own crap before you try and help people deal with there's. If you can't bear to face your childhood, how can you help your clients do so etc... Well, that teaching has been in my mind a lot lately, and here's why.

Working in employment we talk a lot about "disclosure". For my clients, this would mean choosing to disclose to their bosses, supervisors, human resources (whoever) that they have a mental illness. I find that some of our staff, one in particular, really look down on the clients who refuse to disclose, even when they're having problems. In some cases, they'd rather look for a new job. And some of our staff just can't comprehend why a client would feel this way. I totally get it.

See something I've been thinking about a lot since this topic started coming up at work is disclosing my own mental illness, and if I did, who would I "disclose" to, and what would that look like. Actually, I'm not a fan of the word disclose as it really implys something hidden. I kind of prefer to see anxiety as a part of me, and just as I wouldn't share intimate experiences at the work place, I don't share about my experiences of anxiety. Lately though, things have been sucking. They had been going quite well for a while, but then the seasons changed again, from spring to summer, and things haven't been going so well (i'd love to know what it is about the change in seasons that sets me off).

When in comes to the idea of talking to my supervisor about my anxiety, I'm not actually that nervous, I'm just not sure I see a point. One of the objectives of disclosure is to make accomidations, and right now I certainly don't need accomadations. On the other hand, if I was my supervisor, I might like some advanced warning in case things came up and I did need some accomadations. So I can see both sides. I think I'd also feel better around my coworkers if I could say something like, "my anxiety is really bad right now, so I'm going to shut my door and take it easy for half an hour and see how I'm doing". It would be reassuring and less isolating. On the other hand, on our team of 8 there is 1 person I would NOT want to know, and that makes disclosing to the team quite hard.

So in terms of clients. I'm realizing that this is an issue that will be close to my heart if it comes up in counselling. I fully believe I am capable of helping a client through it, I'm not giving the client advice or an opinion afterwards, but even in the questions I ask, and the direction I choose to go with the client, I'll have to be quite careful.

Any thoughts on disclosing mental illness in the workplace? Is it good? Bad? Neither?

It's SUMMER (almost)

2009-06-14T20:14:00.002-05:00

You know, it's a big stereotype that Canada is cold all year round. However, my city has certainly lived up to that this spring. It has been so, so, so cold. Snow in May! So not fair. Anyway though, today was gorgeous. It was our church picnic and it couldn't have been a more beautiful day.

The picnic was great fun. Worship and communion and barbecue and games and games and candy and friends and FUN! Unfortunately however despite my sunscreen efforts I "missed" a couple places and now have a rather wierd "stripy" burn. Not cool. I pride myself on not getting sun burns and the use of appropriate sun protection. I had to go out and by some after sun lotion to try and calm things down a bit where I am burnt.

In other news, the dreamer is doing okay. Worked at the shelter last evening; another detox shift. This one was MUCH better than the last one. I quite enjoyed myself in fact! I really like seeing the clients. I miss them. I popped into the shelter today to bring the leftovers from our church picnic and some of them were quite disappointed that I wasn't staying to work a shift (I actually got offered one, but there is NO way I could ahve worked tonight).

My sister is working on my house. She's done some odd things, but overall, progressing. Actually, right now my house looks worse then it did before. There is stuff everywhere which boggles my mind seeing as I feel like I've thrown out SO much stuff! But, she organized my kitchen today and is working on the linen closet now so I really have nothing to complain about.

And now, I'm going to get some ice cream :)

What I'm reading this week: Confidentiality in mental health

2009-06-10T21:21:00.002-05:00

Cordless, C. (Ed.). (2001). Confidentiality in mental health. London. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

One thing of note when reviewing an edited volume is that each article is not equally good or equally relevant to one’s interests. This book for example had some articles which related more to psychiatry or hospital based care than to the community based work I’m involved in.

An ongoing theme throughout the book is the shift from a psychiatry/hospital oriented model of mental health care to a community based one and it’s implications confidentiality. While in the past, patients may have engaged in individual psychoanalysis with one professional, many clients today are involved with interdisciplinary or interagency teams and their personal information may be shared with all members of the team. Also, in the modern context we place emphasis on supervision, debriefing and consultation with colleagues. While most of us as professionals would not perceive this as a breach of confidentiality, clients might.

Another theme in the book is client expectations of confidentiality, informed consent, and whether clients really know what they are getting into. While a client may be informed that their social worker works as part of a team, do they understand that this may mean common record keeping, or in the case of Assertive Community Treatment, a daily review of their file by the entire team.

Finally, the book discusses the legal aspects of confidentiality and what constitutes a breach. When does the threat of harm to others outweigh a clinician’s responsibility to keep confidentiality? For many, it can be a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” scenario as they face threat of litigation from both sides.

I actually liked this book. I didn’t read all of the legal chapters, but the chapter about social work was particularly good (or perhaps particularly relevant). The only draw back to the book was that it was British not Canadian and so all laws sighted were British. I’d love to see Canadian authors pull together something similar.